Worthless

I really don't understand why anyone would get involved with someone who was already so fragile and vulnerable. What does anyone get from letting someone believe in them and trust them and let them in! 

The thing is I opened up to dale I was me the real me and that still wasn't good enough... Like why did he feel the need to lie? Why couldn't he be honest and tell me the truth? It would of been fine. I feel like he's stripped everything from me I don't feel like me anymore I feel worthless and like I don't know how to me. I feel it's sucked and drained all the life out of me... I just don't who I am anymore I used to think that someone would really love me one day. Now I don't really that at all he's taken all my hope. 

How could anyone love me. I'm poison I don't mean to be I just don't think I'm loveable people become infatuated with me and obsessed they never really love me. I don't understand why they don't or can't. I was so happy without him Id finally found me and loved me. Now I'm struggling to cope and just really don't want to be in this pain anymore. Why did he lie? 

Wrote listening to 

Sam smith not in that way 

Loving me in the moment..

I'm really good at making people feel like there in love with me.. Till they see the real me and they realise I'm not worth being with. Everyone says they love me but they never really do they love me in that moment and at that time. Everyone promises me they love me but are the fastest to run away when things get hard. I'm so honest and open about my BPD n I let people make up there own mind, but I then get treated with kid gloves and it's clear Im not loved at all. Loving someone is not something you feel in a moment it's something you feel all the time. I love other people for their faults but who is ever really gona love me for mine? Why do I take chances on people who I no I'm not good enough for and I now I will end up hurting them because of how I am? Why can't anyone take a chance on me or really love me.. Am I really that much of a bad person? I'll do anything for anyone and I'm loyal I have a good heart. I just struggle with a disorder I didn't ask for and I don't want. people say they will stay and they won't leave me but they always do. I never do the things I do out of spit or to hurt people I just sometimes don't see what I'm doing.. Being told he doesn't love me anymore has been the thing I needed to set it all free. You don't fall out of love with someone in 3 weeks not someone who you was so scared to loose and who you planned so much with. I'm glad I bow no it wasn't real love and it was in the moment love, because I can now put it to bed rather then thinking someone really did love me..

This is not fucking me!!

The worst thing about depression and having BPD is i no its not the person I am! I'm not an angry aggressive person. I'm not cold or cruel or mean, I wouldn't hurt someone for the sake of it. I'd give anyone anything I could or help anyone even if they had done me wrong. That's why it frustrates me so much when I rage and i let my disorder get the better of me because it's not the real me. I'm loving and caring I'm so soft and gentle I just suffer from BPD maybe that's why after Iv had an outburst of rage it hits me so hard and I get so depressed because I know it's not the real me or who Id ever want to be. I get so ashamed and depressed after a rage I hate myself and think everyone hates me to, I feel like Iv left myself down and I end up hurting myself more. I need to get over this disorder I refuse to let it beat me or define me as a person! But I still need help. It's been so long since I was last like this it's just really effecting me. I never feel like self harming or killing myself but right now I do. I just feel like Iv hurt everyone and I never want to hurt anyone I love, care about or a person who was nice too me. I need to get past this I just feel so bad. This isn't me I'm happy I smile I laugh Im a smart arse with a big gob! I need me back.

What now? I just can't figure it out

So the last 7 days have been hell! Not just for me but for him too. After going into autopilot mode I found myself stood outside his house not a clue how I got there or what I was even going to do! I guess I just needed to see he was in pain too and what we had wasn't fake and that he really did love me, that's true he loved and still loves me he just can't find a way to be with me, he can't handle my BPD like I always new he wouldn't be able too at some points. So we drove around for a long time both very upset we must of cried enough to fill broughton baths! It was clear we was both hurting, I guess I thought if he seen me it would all change and he'd fall back in love with me but this runs deeper than that he doesn't believe I'll ever get better from BPD and I'll have it forever but I won't I will get better people recover from illnesses and I'm telling you now this will not fucking beat me! So after we drove around for a while we went home to his and just held each other lovingly like we did most of the time, I woke up with this big realisation it was still the same he hadn't changed his mind my overdoes and hurting myself was more then he could deal with among other things. The hardest thing was him telling me it was so hard for him to do, how it was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do in his life. I believe him when he says that because Iv never seen anyone in so much pain at not being able to be with the person he loved most in the world but he had to put himself first. When he was on his way to drop me off to come home noticed he'd gone the long way and not the normal way I new in my head this was so people didn't see me with him for the first time I felt like he was ashamed of me and hated me that much he had to hide me like a dirty secret like i wasn't the girl he loved I was just some cheap slag he'd just met. After speaking it turned out hed lied to me about something I thought I was being paranoid about well that lie ended my 2years 3months n 17days since my last outburst, I lost it! The rage in me I was holding onto came out over a massive 6hour tournament of me lashing out at him. I won't write here what happened as I'm ashamed of myself for it Im truly sorry for my actions it wasn't me and was out of character and I wouldn't want him to be embarrassed or ashamed but what I will say is he was a perfect gentleman and didn't react to anything I did and I thank him for that. Iv not been this low in so long but I know I have to get better for me. I will recover from this illness I didn't ask for it I will beat it! I'm just so lost right now I don't no what I'm meant to do next. Right now I'm alone but that's for the best I need to be able I'll get better in my own time, everyone in recovery falls at some point I guess this is my fall. I never meant to hurt anyone Iv hurt myself and let myself down. Right now I'm just low and  facing new days scares me but I'm getting the right help. BPD is a struggle but this is my struggle. I just have to take one day at a time. I will beat this disorder and I will prove to myself I am worth it. Right now I just hate myself and don't see any light at the end of it all. 

What now? I just can't figure it out 

Lost

So today's is my first night back at home after my overdoes and I'm sat in the dark listening to Adele cover of I can't make you love me, and how fitting is this song for me right now I can't make him love me I can't make him be with me and I can't make him be there for me when I need him the most. 

I'm not scared to be alone like most people are I've spent my whole alone I'm scared I'll never feel like this again for anyone, I'm scared that him rejecting the real me the person I've never shown to anyone will stop me ever letting anyone in again. I trusted him so much and I gave it my all I know at times it probs didn't feel like that when I was mean and nasty towards him but that part of my disorder hasn't gone away yet I tried so hard I gave it my best but I guess my best just wasn't good enough. I can only love someone the way I know how too. Sometimes I wish I hadn't been born because I hurt everyone but most of all I end up hurting my self me being how I am has broken my own heart, I cant expect anyone to love me or stay around its far to much to ask of one person. I don't expect people to put up with how I can be at times, I don't expect people to ever stay around anyway so I push and push till they have enough. I really did believe it was it for me well I hoped it was but deep down I new it wasn't I new he'd never stay around for me it was to hard for him. I've never been so happy in my life I never stopped laughing and finally being able to be me round someone was amazing it was the best to be able to be the me I am alone with someone else I've never had that. Now it's gone because of every fault of my own. I was so in love my head wouldn't stop spinning to the point where I had to shut off part of me when I wasn't with him I couldn't think and I felt very vulnerable and would lash out, it's so easy to write this now because it's all over and done with. I don't no how I'll bounce back from this but I know I'll just have too I'll just have to get on with my life now. I wasn't good enough or even worthy to be with him and I'd project every fault I thought he seen in me onto him when I felt I was going to be rejected because I didn't feel good enough I'd make him feel and think he wasn't but that was never the case he was more than enough for me. Sometimes you love a person for a short period of time, I know now it wasn't real from his side I mean how could it of been? But I'm glad that I got to feel like I had my happy ever after even if only for a very small period of time. I wish him every happiness in the world and I hope he really does fall in love with someone one day and she's everything to him like he was to me. 

I just hope someone loves me one day like I do them, I hope I get my happy ever after..

How wrong I was..

So this last week went from amazing to the worst. From planning my home with the man who seemed to love me more than anything in the world to ending up in hospital trying to take my own life and looking round and being alone all over again. As iv expressed before in blogs I get triggers and become very insulting and nasty yes I try so hard to control this, these days but I'm not perfect and I have a long way to go. I got wrapped up in my world becoming perfect and everything I ever wanted but how wrong was I. Letting someone into my home and safe space was a massive thing for me iv not let anyone into my private special place for a very long time and if I'm honest I wasn't ready too I was no were near ready to let someone into my bed and my bubble that's always been just me my place when I'm low and depressed that's my place to shut the world out, but I felt like I needed to I mean I was loved and adored and I really believed this was the one man who was never going to leave me or let down and who I never doubted when he said he loved me and promised me so much, maybe I was wrong for believing my life  would have a happy ending and I'd get everything I dreamed of. Letting him into my home was the start of the end for us, I was very off and snappy and I felt threatened and vulnerable I tried to be as normal as I could be and tried being how we normally was but inside I was scared and panicking about me doing this final step and letting someone into the last closed door of me. I tried to forget but I couldn't and these feelings where still there till I picked something I could explode at and go into a rage about and I did saying the normal things I know would get a reaction and I got one the reaction I didn't won't it was finally one rage to much and he told me he didn't want me anymore hearing the words I feared so much had finally been said, I went into over drive and tried taking my life, it was very stupid but my anxiety got the better of me. Spending a few days in hospital alone has made me realise I wasn't loved It was pity He never could of loved me to leave me alone like this to not speak to me and ignore me, this isn't acts of the man I fell in love with. I don't no what love is but its not that. Being with anyone who has BPD is hard but I was honest and always told him how hard it could be, that doesn't excuse the things I said I no I was wrong like I always am. But what do I do now? How do I cope with this? How do I handle the fact I'm scared of never loving anyone that much again? What about all the plans we had? Most people get with someone and its all amazing for the first year being with someone like me is different to that its hard at first but gets better, well I hope it does iv never had anyone stick around long enough for me to know.

I'm very lost right now and I don't know how I'm meant to be or what to do. All I know is everything I thought I had was fake I wasn't loved and adored like I really thought I was but how stupid of me to ever really believed I was anyway.

I really do believe that people with my disorder are only ever loved for a short time and not very long at all.

What makes this so worse is Id wouldn't want to be with someone like me who is how I am, so I can't blame him for not wanting to stick around because I wouldn't of.

My progress letter..

 Yesterday was my final session of therapy for a while. I now have to face the wild on my own and I'm so ready for it. As from my last blog my goodbye letter my therapist Clive also wrote me follow how he thought therapy had been for me and my progress the letter can be found below..

After I read my letter out to Clive he told me how my letter was the most honest and powerful letter he had ever heard and how my honesty made he nearly cry at one point.

I'll always speak from the heart.. 

Please like and share my blogs you never know they may help. 

My goodbye letter..

I can't believe I'm writing this letter and today is my final therapy session. I'm so different to the scared little girl that walked in that door the one that was so Hungary to get better! I always new there was something more wrong with me then just being depressed I'm so glad I kept fighting to find out what was really wrong with me, finding out I had BPD was the start of this whole journey when the doctor told me I felt the biggest weight be lifted from my shoulders but I new that was only the start. When I first found out I had to come to therapy every week I was scared of digging up things from my past that I wasn't ready to but I new the me that wanted to control my illness and get better was stronger. Coming to see Clive every week has helped me so much when we first started I wasn't talking to my mum and coming to here has helped me maintain a relationship with her and be able to speak to her in a way I never thought possible,  it's helped me find ways of dealing with my rages and outburst and help me not get caught up in my world wind of emotions and to be able to step back and not get pulled into theses feelings. It may of taken 27years but iv learned to think before I bloody speak! It's so hard to write how therapy has been for me because it's been amazing I never once got up and walked out I sat and faced every demand I had face on even tho sometimes it was the hardest thing to do. Iv been able to but so many things to bed and realise that my early stages in my life wasn't my fault and I was just a little girl who had bad things happen to her and to be able to expect this has been the thing I'm so proud of myself for. I never thought I'd find ways to cope but writing my blog and giving myself head space has been a massive influence in this whole thing. Having a safe space to be able to come and speak about all things that are in my head without feeling like I'm going to be judge or say the wrong thing. I'm so glad I had Clive to go on this journey with coming to see him each week to see someone who's understanding and who tells me how awful things must have been for me and who praised me when I made massive steps forward I'm so thankful for. I never wanted to let me down but I never wanted to let him as well because from that first day I walked thru the door you've been my biggest support and I thank you. Being able to learn and realise I'm not unloveable and have been able to open up to someone and let him into my life and to see the real me and not let my feelings or BPD take over 100% but only 40% is so overwhelming I never thought I'd find someone and let them love me for me and therapy has helped me do that. 

I was very scared of this moment a few weeks ago and I didn't want therapy to end but I'm ready I'm ready to face my life and remove the safety net and step out of my bubble.

I'm so excited for my future my darks days aren't as many and my rainbow days are more and I thank myself for that, everyone always said I was strong and now I feel it.

So with my head held high i guess it's time to say thank you and goodbye 

X

Hope..

Hope..

When you suffer from any disorder or illness or anything you really want is life all you really have is HOPE.

A small word four letters but a massive meaning. 

I know that suffering from BPD all we really have in life is hope, we hope we get better, we hope to not be rejected, we hope we aren't abandoned, we hope to be loved, we hope it gets easier, we hope someone will really stick around.

If I didn't have hope I don't think I'd still be here today, every person I met I hope this time it will be different may that be a friendship or partner. I hope every day gets easier I hope that this will be day my BPD ain't bad anymore.

Without we have very little it's a massive part of anyone's life but I a huge part of mine. I really hope that one day these big hopes are swapped with small hopes.

I'll always hope and dream of better.

But who will ever take the chance on me?

So this week has been really hard for me and my BPD has been in full effect with good reason I may add. 

Before I ever get involved with anyone I'm honest and open about my disorder and what comes with it, everyone always thinks and feels no I'll be ok and will beg and plead with me till I finally take a chance on them, even tho I'll state it's going to end in my tears! It's like I feel I have to put myself out there to prove a point to them and myself. The point to them is I told you how it would be and how I am and the point to me is that I new it would never be different, yes a part of me always hopes that it will be different, cuz if I don't have hope I don't have a lot. This week iv been pushed to my limits I really did think that I'd found someone who really was understanding and I really believed in maybe that's why it's hits me so hard. 

It all started with a comment about how everyone runs away and I should be lucky how he hadn't, now that's not me quoting him but that's what I heard. I have a disorder that fears rejection and abandonment and even tho I know he didn't mean it in any bad way the that's the way I heard it and most BPD suffers would of seen it the same.  Since then iv been so low and depressed how could someone say that to me to try and keep hold of me and make me think know one else will ever want me so I better settle now, this has been my thought progress. Iv had people get involved and look down at me because the person who said it has a "heart of gold" that maybe but feeling ganged up on wasn't helping me get over this. Before I got involved I spoke to my therapist about my fears of letting someone in and one of them was a massive set back I didn't want to go back to the place I was 2yrs ago and that's just what has happened. The pain iv felt took me back to thoughts of Suicide and self harm anything to take the feelings away have been so powerful and overwhelming, iv not had these feelings in so long. I only ever want to be happy and make people happy, I treat people how I want to be treated. It was clear this was going to happen after a high created by someone else there is always a low to follow. I was told I can't spend my full life rejecting men, this is so far from the truth but some people will always only see the side to the person who means the most I understand that. I haven't ever rejected anyone I can't because I hate it happening to me. Yes I have BPD and I own that but I deal with it the way I act sometimes is very much out of my control even tho I mange my own BPD better then most people. This week has been hard and my biggest low in a very long time! But things have planned out just how I new they would. The thing with BPD suffers is we know how things will work out yes we hope and believe things will be different this time they always pan out the same. 

I was never good enough anyway I'm now left hurt, feeling like iv let myself down, isolated, cut off and run down. All because I gave someone the chance they begged me for but when will someone take a real chance on me?

xxx

Why do people always try and be different?

People always get involved with me thinking they will be different or they can be the one to fix me. I'm very clear and honest with my BPD and explain what I'm like my moods how I act but hay everyone thinks there a knight in shining armer when in all honesty most of the time they are pricks in tin foil. It's hard when I tell anyone it's going to end in tears and them tears will be mine not theirs. I mean iv spent most of my life trying to get people to fall in love with me or just stick around. The thing with BPD suffers out biggest fear is rejection and being abandon everyone who has ever meant to care or love us from a young age has always left us. So letting people in is very hard but we do because we crave and want to be loved more then anything in the world. Our issue is we have triggers and them triggers set out a massive explosion of emotions whatever it by be something as simple as someone reminding us know one sticks around ever, uses the words fuck up in a sentence or dropping the fact we have a disorder to try and get the point across they need to make. Being involved with anyone with BPD it could be your mam, child, sibling, friend or partner it will often feel like your walking on egg shells and not knowing what to say or do right. The thing with that is I think do not be so insensitive in the first place here's an example: 

Would you say to someone with one leg you can't do that your a cripple?

No because it's insensitive, so why say something that's so raw to someone else? Just because you don't see the issue doesn't mean it ain't real. 

It's a struggle to live in mind space of someone with BPD or any mental illness. I'm fed up of living with this now I want to be better! I'm so proud of me for where I have came in the last year with my disorder and I'm glad I'm strong enough to face my demons I don't hide from them or run from them I face them. I just don't like how my mind works and makes me react to things or how it makes things hurt me to the point I cut off from people. I feel like I let someone get close and they judge me, they talk about me to others or just laugh at me. Yes I want someone to understand and be caring but I do not want someone who uses things to hurt me or against me.

Every time I think I have control and a handle on it something comes along to remind me I really don't. I'm glad about that because one day I'll look around and be happy and think 'wow iv not had a trigger for a while' everyone I let in even for just a short time makes me realise that triggers happen a lot less and how I'm able to talk them down and not get sucked into them for that I'm proud. I just really wish people would stop trying to fix me and impress me.

xxx

It's never to late to leave.

As a lot of you may have watched murdered by my boyfriend last week on bbc3, it was on again tonight and I decided to give it another watch, as when I watch these sorts of thing because of past experiences I shut off to the violence. The first time I watched it I didn't cry or feel many emotions the emotions I did feel was anger how another person can get into someone's head and manipulate them to the point they feel hopeless to leave. Iv always said I'd rather take a beating than someone play mind games and mess with my own thought process.

That's the hardest part to ever get over bruises fade, bones heal and blood can be wiped away like know trace of what has happened even did, but someone messing with your mind is so much harder to deal with.

I'm now living with a disorder due to people in my past playing with my emotions and mind. 

My self like many women and men have been there and it's so hard to escape. I'm one of the lucky ones who new enough was enough. Maybe I should of left early but the beatings from an ex parter wasn't like the ones I got as child. 

I was born in the late 80s raised in the 90s a little slap on the legs or a cross the face was nothing and 9/10 I needed and deserved them little hits here and there. These little slaps soon turned into big beatings like you'd beat a grown up when I reached 7. I was seen as a naughty child, I wasn't I was just a 7 year old dealing with the fact her mum didn't want her all the family she had ever new had left and she had been told she was going on holiday to never to return home again at the age of 4 going on 5. Id act up for attention and kick off this was the start of my BPD. I remember the first time I got hit it was to my bottom and was with a slipper then the slipper changed to a cane to a belt to a foot in the tummy of a primary school child who couldn't understand why she was being punished because she had hit a boy at school I was only coping what I new. When you do wrong you smacked. The years went by the beatings got worse to the point where once one of the worse times I was beaten so much on the hand with a belt that my hand tripled in size all for telling the truth and not being believed the only way the beating was going to stop was by lying and saying I had done something I hadn't. It all got to much and by the time I hit high school I ran away because I couldn't take any more of the abuse I couldn't understand how the person who was meant to love me in the whole world was doing this to me I was only ever being a kid. Yes I was gobby and loud but I'm the same now guess that's just me but as an 11 year old child I was taken back there was know place for me and I didn't want to get anyone in trouble.  I was awoken by yet another slap to the face I'll never forget the slaps over and over and over till I looked like 2 face from batman. That was the last beating I ever got as a child I guess something had twigged that it was wrong and I was never hit again. I soon left and put myself into care where I stayed till I was old enough to leave. My first adult relationship wasn't that great but this time it was mental abuse and physical. It was hard I had know one or any place to go, I'm not saying I didn't give as good as I got sometimes because I did. Exs have had me by the wall pulled my hair dragged me down stairs because I had lost a child. The most awful stuff. But in glad And proud of myself to know when that all this is wrong and getting up and leaving. So many children, women and men go through this it's wrong and shouldn't happen. The poor girl on murder by my boyfriend had rang the police several times and nothing was done till she was dead. In that time another 200+ women lost there life. It isn't just women who stuffer this abuse men do too and it's wrong what ever side it comes from.

What I'm trying to say is if I get go through all this and come out ok and so many others can you can too. Words may hurt and play with how think and feel. But please leave stand on your own and one day you will look back and realise the problem lay with them not you. I hope the show opens eyes and makes people stand up and pay attention.

Abuse is wrong mental, physical, sexual any sort of abuse is wrong.

xxx

Never feeling enough....

I'm really starting to learn the struggles and triggers of my BPD and the way and how I think, my thoughts are always so intense and powerful and I can't control them. I don't understand how I go from being happy and excited about a person to feeling like I need to ruin what might be.

Im always doubting myself and how my disorder impacts on other peoples lives and careers and not wanting to bring them down to my level of self doubt and low moods. I never want to impact how I feel on someone else's life. 

Why would anyone want to be with someone who can go from being the most amazing caring person to the vile bitter bitch I can turn into?

How is anyone ever going to understand what's happening in my head if I don't? How come I get these intense feelings? Of either happiness, sadness rage or anger?

Why is everything all or nothing? Why do I either cut you off or become really obsessed with a person?

Having BPD means that feelings are more powerful then people without BPD I can only explain it like collecting a 100 rings on sonic and then being able to go really really fast then all of a sudden it stops and you think and feel normal again till it happens again. I couldn't have thought about it for a few hours and then i do and it explodes again and starts all over.

I don't want to be like this anymore, I want to feel like someone is interested in me how I am them, but I also no that unless I get with someone with BPD that won't happen because most people don't think or feel how someone with BPD does. Trying to explain this to someone is hard the thought of saying..... Is over whelming the thought of being called a nutter or a crank is scary because I no most people won't understand.

When I'm alone my head and feelings are fine and the more I let someone in the worse I get. It feels like I'm in a car race with loads of traffic and each time I get one place in front of the car I was last in so I guess one day I'll be pole position and win the BPD race.

This is an on going battle that one day I'll win.

Marshmallow head

So the more the weeks go by the more I understand my BPD disorder but I still don't find the answers to stop my thoughts, feelings and emotions. By this I mean to think "normal" and not cloud my feelings and thoughts with a fairytale I may want. Like everyone I want to be loved and fall in love. But my feelings become so intensive and impulsive that I find it very hard to realise what's real and what's fake. My BPD makes me very all or nothing. I'm like most other girls I want the fairy tale ending but having someone in my life is hard I get scared and feel very vulnerable my fear is that when I say goodbye I'll near see that person again and I'll go back to being that little 3/4/5 year old girl waiting all dressed up at the window for her mum to come and take her out like she promised she would (she only ever showed up once in all the times she promised) 

It's very easy for me to make a perfect picture up in my head of what's going to happen and how things are going to be iv done it my whole life pretending Whitney Huston was my mum and she was to busy being a star to be my mummy right now.

This then gives people unrealistic goals to live up to. How is anyone going to live up to a goal iv made up in my head and never told anyone about? They can't!!

But I can't understand why they can't like why can't they read my mind? Why don't they think the same as me? Because not everyone is like me. My BPD makes all these emotions so intense and so strong and trying to think about them and make sense of them is hard as it just feels like my head is full of marshmallows. 

The biggest saying of my life is 

"My love doesn't scare me other peoples love scares" 

By that I mean it's so easy to control my feelings but I can't control someone else's and after all everyone who has meant to love me in my life has let me down (apart from my dad).

Sometimes I think is it a bad thing for people to fall in love with me? Like why do people do all my triggers? Like lie or brake promises? 

People make promises all the time and then turn around and brake them. 

I don't understand why people don't views things how I do or see things in black and white like I do?

So right now I'm trying to figure out what's real and made up and how I deal with this. I never really like to ask questions because I'm scared of the answers or don't want to seem a weirdo. But I need people to be straight with me and when I feel like their not I second guess what they think and feel and then start doubting myself. I just want to be able to think like everyone else and not get these intense feelings I can't understand.

Guess I don't really no what I'm trying to say as I'm still struggling  with my BPD but as I can view these things clearly I must be getting better right? 

My BPD struggle...

So a lot of you know me for either makeup, modelling, being on TV or being a full on gobshite funny cow...

But I'm not always the life and soul of the party infact a lot of the time I isolate myself from others in order to stay in my little safe bubble where I can't get hurt. Unless I'm working I'm alone 90% of the time or with my nieces and nephews (family is everything to me). For the past year or so iv thought iv had a grip of my disorder and it's only been the last few weeks iv realised iv got a long way to go. 

It all started about 3-4weeks ago (for legal reasons I can't go into but bullies never win), my mood became very low and I became very tired. I didn't go to therapy for two weeks.

It's hard when to the outside world I have to act fine and like I'm ok but inside i have the greatest emptiness that I can't understand why! It's so frustrating. I notice my behaviour changes and I become more out going trying to mask how low I really am. I use the word low as I'm not depressed I just have a low mood.

 When I get into a rage I go from fine to evil in 10seconds you would think I was breathing acid it's awful and wrong and as I'm saying things I no it's wrong but wanting a reaction is far more important I need to no someone cares I need to no their not going anywhere. 

Having BPD when we rage it goes Into stages 

First being we lash out and become uncontrolled with our words or actions till we push the person on the other end to breaking point and they react,

Second we go into soothing mood (pittty and become the victim)

So we then become child like and need looking after we don't feel good enough, we feel disgusted in our actions and will try and do anything to stop the person leaving.

Because after all our biggest fear is being rejected and abandon.

This week my BPD has been so strong. Iv been the biggest bitch. Iv had tantrums, kicked off. I try and manipulate the situation to make me feel better I can't understand why I do these things,  But this impulsive feeling I get in my belly feels like a storm is building inside me and it comes out as word vomit. I can go from being fine and excited to as soon as speak to him my mood changes for no reason. I feel like if I'm not a bitch and you go anyway at least I no it's cuz Iv been a twat that you have gone. But I don't want to be like this anymore, it's not fair.

Someone said to me "you have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired before you can get better"

I'm very much past that stage and do all the right things to get help

But my BPD is so not under control yet and I'm so far off being ok as the last few weeks has shown. 

The biggest help is knowing my disorder and knowing that this low mood won't last and I'll be fine again.

I don't hide my mental health cuz I'm not ashamed of it  #BPDawarenessmonth #BPD #BPDchat