I'm really starting to learn the struggles and triggers of my BPD and the way and how I think, my thoughts are always so intense and powerful and I can't control them. I don't understand how I go from being happy and excited about a person to feeling like I need to ruin what might be.
Im always doubting myself and how my disorder impacts on other peoples lives and careers and not wanting to bring them down to my level of self doubt and low moods. I never want to impact how I feel on someone else's life.
Why would anyone want to be with someone who can go from being the most amazing caring person to the vile bitter bitch I can turn into?
How is anyone ever going to understand what's happening in my head if I don't? How come I get these intense feelings? Of either happiness, sadness rage or anger?
Why is everything all or nothing? Why do I either cut you off or become really obsessed with a person?
Having BPD means that feelings are more powerful then people without BPD I can only explain it like collecting a 100 rings on sonic and then being able to go really really fast then all of a sudden it stops and you think and feel normal again till it happens again. I couldn't have thought about it for a few hours and then i do and it explodes again and starts all over.
I don't want to be like this anymore, I want to feel like someone is interested in me how I am them, but I also no that unless I get with someone with BPD that won't happen because most people don't think or feel how someone with BPD does. Trying to explain this to someone is hard the thought of saying..... Is over whelming the thought of being called a nutter or a crank is scary because I no most people won't understand.
When I'm alone my head and feelings are fine and the more I let someone in the worse I get. It feels like I'm in a car race with loads of traffic and each time I get one place in front of the car I was last in so I guess one day I'll be pole position and win the BPD race.
This is an on going battle that one day I'll win.
