But who will ever take the chance on me?

So this week has been really hard for me and my BPD has been in full effect with good reason I may add. 

Before I ever get involved with anyone I'm honest and open about my disorder and what comes with it, everyone always thinks and feels no I'll be ok and will beg and plead with me till I finally take a chance on them, even tho I'll state it's going to end in my tears! It's like I feel I have to put myself out there to prove a point to them and myself. The point to them is I told you how it would be and how I am and the point to me is that I new it would never be different, yes a part of me always hopes that it will be different, cuz if I don't have hope I don't have a lot. This week iv been pushed to my limits I really did think that I'd found someone who really was understanding and I really believed in maybe that's why it's hits me so hard. 

It all started with a comment about how everyone runs away and I should be lucky how he hadn't, now that's not me quoting him but that's what I heard. I have a disorder that fears rejection and abandonment and even tho I know he didn't mean it in any bad way the that's the way I heard it and most BPD suffers would of seen it the same.  Since then iv been so low and depressed how could someone say that to me to try and keep hold of me and make me think know one else will ever want me so I better settle now, this has been my thought progress. Iv had people get involved and look down at me because the person who said it has a "heart of gold" that maybe but feeling ganged up on wasn't helping me get over this. Before I got involved I spoke to my therapist about my fears of letting someone in and one of them was a massive set back I didn't want to go back to the place I was 2yrs ago and that's just what has happened. The pain iv felt took me back to thoughts of Suicide and self harm anything to take the feelings away have been so powerful and overwhelming, iv not had these feelings in so long. I only ever want to be happy and make people happy, I treat people how I want to be treated. It was clear this was going to happen after a high created by someone else there is always a low to follow. I was told I can't spend my full life rejecting men, this is so far from the truth but some people will always only see the side to the person who means the most I understand that. I haven't ever rejected anyone I can't because I hate it happening to me. Yes I have BPD and I own that but I deal with it the way I act sometimes is very much out of my control even tho I mange my own BPD better then most people. This week has been hard and my biggest low in a very long time! But things have planned out just how I new they would. The thing with BPD suffers is we know how things will work out yes we hope and believe things will be different this time they always pan out the same. 

I was never good enough anyway I'm now left hurt, feeling like iv let myself down, isolated, cut off and run down. All because I gave someone the chance they begged me for but when will someone take a real chance on me?

xxx