First night....
Today I came to crisis point a service for people in mental health crisis that isn't a hospital, you can come and go however you have to be back by 11 (I'm not ready to go out yet not at all I just want to feel safe). I got dropped off out this huge 3 story townhouse, from the outside it just looks like all the other houses on the street no signs saying what the service is or anything like that, however I know what the service is and why I'm here. It's very scary on how I'm feeling already.
I have mega anxiety and really all I want to do is go inside to my room and sleep I'm so worn out and tired I can't even think right now. I have to walk in here alone my partner can't be here to hold my hand (even though he wants to) I have to do this alone! Plus I'm here for a reason to get the help Iv been wanting and needing for a while.
I walk in to be greeted by a member of staff who firstly may I say made me feel so much worse! She was cold unwelcoming and frankly robotic like! I had to sit down and listen to her for 2 hours asking me questions and not really bothering what I said. She was just doing the paper work she wasn't caring or understanding at all. I wanted to get up and leave however you know me I'm not one to give up, plus I haven't Came this far to give up now not a chance!
So after that I just wanted to go to sleep and chill out for a while. I had to have a tour of the building that is lovely abit dated but lovely all the less. There is a kitchen to cook food, a tv lounge and a chill room where you can paint, play games, listen to music and basically just chill out. On an evening you are encouraged to go down stairs and join in with everyone else. After my tour I just wanted to take a diazepam and sleep for a while as I'm so tired that's all I needed to do.
I woke up with an open mind and not wanting too let one person put me off the great opportunity that has been given too me. You can stay here up to 10 days and I'm hopefully going to learn new skills and have intense 1+1 sessions.
I spent some time in my room where I just wrote my feelings down. It was getting closer to 9 and I had a knock on my door to find a lovely welcoming member of staff who made me feel at ease and believe me it's just what I needed! I was asked what time id like my 1+1 and was asked to go and join everyone to play some games. I was apprehensive at first but why the fuck do I have to lose?! So I went down and I'm so glad that I did we played a few games (livid I didn't win anyway). I'm it was nice to just do something that took my mind off how I was feeling, even though every now and again it would hit me for a few minutes. I was so tired yet again I went to make a warm drink and had a chat with one of the other guests (I'm saying guest because I hate the fucking word patient) finally I went to bed and had a good night sleep! Thank goodness!
First Day...
So I finally had a good night sleep that was only broken a few times (that amazing for me) I woke up feeling refreshed and ready to start my treatment, I'm feeling okay ish on a scale of 1-10 1 being low 10 being excellent I'm about a 4 Iv been feeling a 1 for days so it's good to feel abit better.
They don't really do a lot here so there is lots of time just waiting around for your one on one.
The one on one was very hard and painful reliving things I'm trying to forget! It lasted about 45 mins that was my choice as I just couldn't do anymore, I was worn out and ready to just sleep. I didn't join in with the group session that night as a member of staff who made me feel so uncomfortable was working so I just went to bed. I was so angry and annoyed I had expressed all these feelings and then was left to cope alone.
Day 2...
Didn't get any better I was left alone most of the morning till my 1+1 that should of been at 2pm however after being told last minute there was a staff shortage i was asked could it be later. I was still very angry and annoyed from my session the day before. I was feeling worse and this made me feel lower than I did when I arrived! A few hours later I had my session, to be told that they aren't train therapist and they are just there to talk too. I was showed a sheet that had my triggers on however these triggers weren't triggers they where feelings from being rejected and abandoned again. They didn't understand that my mood change was triggered by this and weren't because I was Angry or any of the other stuff wrote in my file. I knew this wasn't the place to help me. Iv done CBT so my triggers that they thought were triggers are no longer triggers (if that makes sense), and seen they are not train therapist like my doctor and myself thought they were. If I would of gone here 3-4yrs ago the services would of really helped me however at this stage I need more intensive service to help me with the route of my demons that keep coming back to haunt me. So with that I knew it was time to go home. I knew there would be someone out there who would benefit more from crisis point than me.
It was a great break to get away to be able to think and look at things from outside my normal surroundings. It was great to reflect however I left feeling worse than I went in because now I have all these unsettling feelings I'm trying to deal with and feel like I'm drowning. Right now I'm very grateful and thankful for a support dad and partner because without them things would be so much worse.
Friday 9 September 2016
Depression just called
When I wake to see the sunshine through the curtains, I wish my eyes would close tightly shut to bring the darkness back again. Because without the rain and just the clear blue sky's I feel worse there goes another beautiful day to pass me by. I now all I can do is try to sleep it away and hope for darkness later in the day. When the sun is there shining bright in the sky its just a reminder that right now life is just passing me by. Through know fault of my own see depression just phoned and it's taking a bigger hold. I want the rain and dark clouds to reappear that way I know I'm not missing much just out of anxiety and fear mostly out of despair because most of the time I know longer want to be here. See the summer is normally my favourite time of year, filled with love, happiness an so much cheer but right now I just want to fast forward to next year, hopefully then the depression cloud would of cleared, Then I can smile rather than cry because the sunlight Is hurting my eyes. I just want to disappear till the pain and sadness has been replaced again with that sunshine cheer.
The Girl With BPD
The Girl With BPD
Thursday 25 August 2016
A year of episodes...
Hello Readers,
So this is my first blog in a very long time, too long infact some may say.
This year has been a very difficult one for myself (not all bad some amazing moments) I have suffered two really bad psychotic episodes with one leading to a stay in hospital. It's been very tough Iv had a lot to deal with this year because of abuse in my past and my relationships with friends and family, however that's another blog all together.
I'll have to start with the first episode I guess the one that lead to my hospital stay. It didn't really come from know where as I could feel it coming on and I was trying to kid myself that everything was okay even though it wasn't deep down I became very depressed and withdrawn from everything I was smoking weed and dealing with a fiancé who was pushing me away again Because of his own mental health issues (again that's another blog lol)
I had a huge explosion where I smashed my house up and gave myself a huge black eye in the process, it literally looked like a butterfly on my face. It was at that moment I new I needed to go to A&E before it got worse. I am very proud of myself for that because I promised myself I'd never let myself get as bad as my last episode 18months ago, I knew something was wrong and knew what I needed to do to get myself better. So I stayed in hospital. I really just needed some rest and reflection to get back to myself.
I came home from hospital and things still wasn't okay at home for a while, we was still struggling and my fiancé felt like it was his fault even though it had nothing to do with him, his actions were just one of many triggers that lead up to my episode. I never explained my BPD to him as I felt it would make him see his own mental health issues, I was trying to protect him and it ended up me not protecting myself.
So everything at home became good and it made us closer, I began to get better with his help and we became closer than ever before (and after 9 years on and off I didn't think I could love him anymore.)
I started to feel like myself again and I got back to me with the help of my amazing friends and family.
Than everything started again all these negative feelings came back. I was rejected by my mother again who had been my other rock when I was in hospital. I guess I have to expect that she never wanted me to start with and I was just a black sheep to her, some of her family also treat me the same after 29 years I should be used to it. I as an adult have to know that's not down to me that's their feelings and there is nothing I can do to change that.
So 4 months later I started to withdraw again my anxiety got sky high and still is my last episode was only last week I won't go outside and feel trapped, I have been to A&E and they couldn't do anything thing time. Even though I was having a psychotic episode hearing voices and having delusions and remembering things that had happened as a little girl. Dealing with my sexual and physical abuse has been very hard for me since I bought it to the for front of my life.
Right now I'm still not where I want to be however I know it will get better and has been worse. I also know after each episode I bounce back faster. It's very hard for me to go back to places that caused me so much pain however I do because I won't let my past ruin my life, I know none of it was my fault however it doesn't at time feel that way. Iv been hurt, let down and rejected by people I never thought would leave my side.
Having to deal with these feelings have made my life very hard this year however I know I have a bright future ahead of me with people who love me and a man who I know needs me because I am his world. I'd rather face all this now and know that in the future It will all be okay.
You have to remember that the good days out weigh the bad and in the end we are all on a personal journey, that if you keep on pushing even when you feel like you can't give anymore remember you didn't fight for this long to give up now.
I know it won't seem like there is any positives at the time however everything we face teaches us a lesson, from good and bad experiences. I'm on the mend and I know it will get better maybe not tomorrow or next week or even next month however one day I know I will be there I may not win every battle however I win every war.
Keep safe, stat healthy and be strong.
Lots of love
Regan-Pia-Carra xx
So this is my first blog in a very long time, too long infact some may say.
This year has been a very difficult one for myself (not all bad some amazing moments) I have suffered two really bad psychotic episodes with one leading to a stay in hospital. It's been very tough Iv had a lot to deal with this year because of abuse in my past and my relationships with friends and family, however that's another blog all together.
I'll have to start with the first episode I guess the one that lead to my hospital stay. It didn't really come from know where as I could feel it coming on and I was trying to kid myself that everything was okay even though it wasn't deep down I became very depressed and withdrawn from everything I was smoking weed and dealing with a fiancé who was pushing me away again Because of his own mental health issues (again that's another blog lol)
I had a huge explosion where I smashed my house up and gave myself a huge black eye in the process, it literally looked like a butterfly on my face. It was at that moment I new I needed to go to A&E before it got worse. I am very proud of myself for that because I promised myself I'd never let myself get as bad as my last episode 18months ago, I knew something was wrong and knew what I needed to do to get myself better. So I stayed in hospital. I really just needed some rest and reflection to get back to myself.
I came home from hospital and things still wasn't okay at home for a while, we was still struggling and my fiancé felt like it was his fault even though it had nothing to do with him, his actions were just one of many triggers that lead up to my episode. I never explained my BPD to him as I felt it would make him see his own mental health issues, I was trying to protect him and it ended up me not protecting myself.
So everything at home became good and it made us closer, I began to get better with his help and we became closer than ever before (and after 9 years on and off I didn't think I could love him anymore.)
I started to feel like myself again and I got back to me with the help of my amazing friends and family.
Than everything started again all these negative feelings came back. I was rejected by my mother again who had been my other rock when I was in hospital. I guess I have to expect that she never wanted me to start with and I was just a black sheep to her, some of her family also treat me the same after 29 years I should be used to it. I as an adult have to know that's not down to me that's their feelings and there is nothing I can do to change that.
So 4 months later I started to withdraw again my anxiety got sky high and still is my last episode was only last week I won't go outside and feel trapped, I have been to A&E and they couldn't do anything thing time. Even though I was having a psychotic episode hearing voices and having delusions and remembering things that had happened as a little girl. Dealing with my sexual and physical abuse has been very hard for me since I bought it to the for front of my life.
Right now I'm still not where I want to be however I know it will get better and has been worse. I also know after each episode I bounce back faster. It's very hard for me to go back to places that caused me so much pain however I do because I won't let my past ruin my life, I know none of it was my fault however it doesn't at time feel that way. Iv been hurt, let down and rejected by people I never thought would leave my side.
Having to deal with these feelings have made my life very hard this year however I know I have a bright future ahead of me with people who love me and a man who I know needs me because I am his world. I'd rather face all this now and know that in the future It will all be okay.
You have to remember that the good days out weigh the bad and in the end we are all on a personal journey, that if you keep on pushing even when you feel like you can't give anymore remember you didn't fight for this long to give up now.
I know it won't seem like there is any positives at the time however everything we face teaches us a lesson, from good and bad experiences. I'm on the mend and I know it will get better maybe not tomorrow or next week or even next month however one day I know I will be there I may not win every battle however I win every war.
Keep safe, stat healthy and be strong.
Lots of love
Regan-Pia-Carra xx
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