My struggles

Hello beautiful lot

So the last few weeks Iv had to take some time out from everything and look after myself a little better. 

Iv had a really trying few weeks and I'm the end I ended up feeling suicidal and just wanted to sleep for a very long time. I had been let down by a friend who I felt and still fell has wronged me, I was rejected and cast out into the cold. I took this very hard it's not surprising after being round a negative person who is like a death eater for a positive mind. However it was me who was let down and alone. I took this very hard and already with a low mood it just made me feel worse and very low Infact lowest Iv been for a while.

On the plush side now know how to deal with these moods and took myself away from the world for a while to recharge and refocus and I'm glad and pleased to say I'm back better than ever and very thankful and greatful for these struggles I get as they make me see how far Iv came and how amazing my life is and the people init. 

I'm still human who over the last few months has been dealing with a hell of a lot I wish I could say right now what Iv been facing however I will all in good time. 

My melt down was coming and is handle it to starry with not very well however I'm better and enjoying my life again.

Remember to take every struggle as a blessing and learn from them. Having BPD can help you find who you really are if you are willing to sit down and hear what it's trying to tell and show you. These moods will always pass and if you learn from them you will become the best you ever.

Love always

The girl with BPD

How do we know if someone is genuinely honest...

Hay beautiful,

This is a topic that I feel so strongly on and how i find it so hard to still believe what people say to me, maybe it's because 95% of the people in my life have always lied to me from as early as I can remember. That's probably why being lied to is still a huge trigger for me and one I try so hard to get over but somehow just can't. 

The worst is from men whatever a male says i just don't believe most of all if they are being nice to me however, If they call me all the names under the sun I think they are lying and are dealing with stuff themselves...

OMG THAT SOUNDS SO FUCKED UP!

I know that's the wrong way to think however I just can't stop myself feeling or thinking this way. I believe every man has an agenda, it's so understandable though from as young as I can remember Iv been abused sexually, physically and mentally, by men who where only nice to me when they wanted something from me or had hurt me in someway. 

Having BPD is developed by going through trauma and my whole life Iv been dealing with things that know one should have too, this now leaves me being unable to have anything to do with men unless they are gay or my brother because I know they aren't or haven't got agenda and won't hurt me in anyway.

Let's say someone told me they where going to meet a family member I'd see this as reaction and the only possible reason for it would be they had found someone better than me.

When Infact they where probably just meeting this family member.

The fact that I'm trying to deal with my issues with lies and men is a huge step for me, I acknowledge and know this is MY issue and only I can deal with it and control the rage and intense feelings of loss, anger, loneliness, not being good enough, sadness and all the other feelings I feel.

Iv gotten over so much and I'll get over this. However undoing 20 odd years of these feelings is hard but sure as hell I'll do able.

Speak soon 

The Girl with BPD x 

Missing the old me...

So as I sit here and type this feeling hated for zero reason at all, I'm wondering what happened to the old me? 

You know the me who didn't care what anyone thought of her? The one who had an attitude for no reason? The me who wasn't afraid to just be nasty?

It's so hard at times like this when other people effect your moods and causes you anitexy or to question yourself when you feel that all you have been is nice. I never used to care if someone hated me. I miss my whatever attitude, I miss the me that was ready and prepared for anyone and everyone to hate her.  However now I'm not, I'm not mean or nasty, I try and be kind and mindful of everyone's situations and struggles. 

Not everyone is like that though and egos and attitudes really do have a knock on effect on me these days, I get really confused and end up thinking what have I done. I probably do this as I don't want to be a person that people hate anymore. I want to spend my day making people laugh and being a positive influence on everyone's life. I'm the type of person to walk round smiling at people just to brighten their day because we never know what someone is having to handle, it's also nice when someone smiles back. It's all about little acts of kindness.

I say I miss the old me, however I love this me so much more! I love the person I am becoming from who I was. I like the fact I stand in the mirror and finally smile at who I am for not one reason it's a good feeling. I only ever miss the old me when I don't understand someone's behaviour towards me, as that cocky little bitch would of gave more than she got she had an attitude and ego bigger than anyone.

This me is better though I'm the me I was always hiding away from people, maybe that's why I'm more open and feel more vulnerable to people's behaviours towards me. That won't change me though or the path I'm on I'll continue to grow and recover from my BPD after all this new me is liked and loved a lot more..

You can see for yourself 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ape9TqURK9E

Love and hugs

The Girl with BPD X

When PMDD pops by to say hello

Hello you,

Well it's safe to say not everyday is a good day, most of all when its that time of the month your PMDD (Premenstrual dysphoric disorder) effects your BPD, PMDD  is a condition in which a woman has severe depression symptoms, irritability, and tension before menstruation. The symptoms of PMDD are more severe than those seen with PMS.. 

So each month I get all the feelings Iv tried so hard to remove from my life but what can I do my moods become low, I become tired and life just feels to much again! BPD + PMDD = the fiery pits of hell! It's a nightmare, I don't mean that to be dramatic, however it's true my moods are like revolving  doors to a department store and only stop when the store is closed and I'm a sleep, my Anitexy is awful and let's not start on my temper! I become needy and like a 2 year old it's like all the work Iv done the last 3 and a half years has been for nothing. The only thing I can do is lay in bed and sooth my self or do things that cheer me up, however this is hard in the depressed state of PMDD, it makes you feel so tired and helpless! My only comfort is that I know as soon as my period arrives the hell is over and I'm back to being me. 

The me that's happy and not crying over just anything who has her zest back for life, rather than struggling to get by in the day or even smile.

Having BPD is hard work but add PMDD to that its even harder! Most BPD suffers get PMDD to my understanding so for those of you struggling right now because of PMDD remember it last a week is temporary and you will be back to you in 0 time at all.

Love and hugs 

The Girl with BPD 

I don't wanna feel hated anymore.

Firstly I want to start this blog with a huge thank you to everyone who has read it, reposted it and subscribed , all these people who email me saying how iv helped them you will never know how much that means to me and how much it also helps me in my recovery. You are all literally inspirations to me to keep going.

So thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

Now after that this blog may seem a bit odd, however like many of us who suffer borderline personality disorder I struggle with feeling hated or not liked.

I can't get close to anyone right now as I end up feeling like this, or like I'm still not good enough, even though I am and I know my worth, part of me still is always on egg shells hoping someone doesn't see through me. This is hard to change and I'm struggling with this massively I just never feel like I'm quite enough. This leads me to believe people are lying to me. 

Now this doesn't happen with friends or family so much these days but still happens with others. See its like I'm programme to either not give a fuck or get far to attached, then I feel hated and like my cover has been blown, now this makes no sense to me as I know longer have a front and I'm the real me with everyone. Because of that reason when I then get the cold shoulder it still hurts, it happened just yesterday. That lead me to believe I'm still hated even tho I'm now just me, like The real me isnt worth knowing then that leads me to think has all this work been for nothing all these thoughts lead me to have an anxiety attack.

When someone suffers with BPD as iv said before inconsistent behaviour from anyone does work. It literally sends us crazy and makes us hate ourselves, plus we don't need that we hate ourselves enough (well I used too) I don't need anyone who's actions aren't consistent with their words in my life right now.

It leaves me feeling and going crazy! It makes me guess myself and makes me doubt who I am. I know for sure I didn't work so hard to have that.

I'm not fully recovered from BPD but I'm getting there I just don't need set backs and to feel like I'm hated for a reason I don't understand. Most of all from someone who was a calming influence to you. 

Not everyone is who they say they are we cant control the actions of others. All we can do is control ours, as long as your heart is sincere and genuine you will be okay. Just because someone makes you feel hated that says more about them than it ever will about you.

I seen this quote and its just perfect.

"Your smile is your logo, your personality is your Business card. How you leave others feeling after an interaction becomes your trademark"

This is so true!

We all need to be more mindful of each other. 

Today I woke up and the feeling had gone but I'm still finding myself wondering what I really did wrong.

Love always 

Me xx

Anxiety sucks!

I can't believe I let my anxiety get so bad to the point of I was having mini seizures with attacks. 

I had know clue at the time that they had anything to do with my anxiety I thought I had diabetes or it was my iron levels, it was only when a friend had an anxiety attack I googled their symptoms and realised that I have been having serious anxiety attacks for months and not noticed.

I have been struggling with my anxiety all year, I stopped taking my meds because I thought I was ok and I hate taking medication, I then started to self medicate with weed to stop my anxiety but after a while it stopped working and mad my anxiety worse.

Iv not felt like myself for ages, i hate going out, hate seeing people, hate talking to people. I thought it was because of my BPD recovery and I was finding myself I see now it was all my anxiety. 

Sometimes someone comes along a and inspires you to be an even better person, they just manage to have a soothing positive effect on you. I see a lot of my issues have been because I stopped taking my meds, it's made me into a person I'm not and I know I'm not depressed I know that much. However my anxiety has literally crippled me from life. 

But if one person can inspire you to look at yourself a little deeper and make you see, It's better to shine in darkness than to disappear into it. 

Iv been so scared and terrified about my health when all it was, was my anxiety. I hope now I start to feel like me again but in the meantime it's back to therapy to deal with what's causing this awful anxiety. 

Going to the doctors is the hardest step every single time, however as terrible as it may be it's also the most rewarding thing because you know it can know get better.

Love always 

Me x

I need your help

I am working with a fellow suffer on something I hope will bring hope and awareness to so many other suffers.. But I need your stories for more information please email me.

I need some help! I need as many BPD suffers who are on the start of their recovery to people at the end, from parents, children, partners and who has been effected by this disorder I need your help to help me explain to others what it's like having Borderline personality effort your life.

Please email Reggieistrouble@gmail.com

It will all be confidential unless you wish to be named.

Thank you x

You control your happiness.

The girl who smiles today is because I put my faith in myself and the universe to find the love I wanted to find in someone else to find it in me.

Being happy in yourself is important to anyone however when you have BPD that little person that has protected you for so long, you know the one you talk to and explain that one day it'll all be ok, to self sooth yourself.

We as BPDs spend far to long trying to find someone who makes them feel whole, we need to look into ourselves to find this, it's comes from courage, strength, willpower but most of all from the desire to be better and of sound mind.

Never let anyone control your happiness, when we do this we allow them to control or sadness also. You know all those times when someone told you they felt like they was always on edge to your moods? Or how you'd react? Well this is the same but you have to look at it as an outsider, 

People feel on edge because of us, however someone with BPD feels on edge because they are so scared that they can't make this person happy, they will see how we aren't perfect, how you spend all of your life trying to please others because that's the only way you know it's going to be ok.

That is all so wrong! We have to find happiness and peace with ourselves first and let go of the pain from the past. We can't change the past but we can make the future so much better. It's time to let go to the ghosts, it has taken up to much of your life already! 

None of it was YOUR fault! But YOU are incontrol of your future and how bright it will be! 

If I hadn't started this Journey nearly 4 years ago I'd never be here today, yes 4 years is a long time but the last year has been the hardest however because I made the choice that my past was going to ruin my happiness if I didn't spend all my time thinking, speaking and processing it. Yes it's been hard and at times I wanted to give up but I owe it to the little girl I was to make the rest of my life what I want it to be. I spent so long trying to be what someone else wanted me to be I forgot to be true to myself! I forgot about how sad I was or how I was attacked racially and personally by "friends" of someone who I was so in love with because I let him control my happiness I was never going to happy until I realise he was never enough for me anyway, see we tend to do that we romance about the happiness and forget the hurt that has been caused. 

We didn't ask for bad things to happen however we are the happiness we NEED! Once you start smiling at the person you become the pain of past stops you feeling numb..

I smile today with love, pride, faith, gratitude and a full heart. My Journey isn't over yet but i can see the light at the end of the tunnel and where I started seems so long away. 

Remember that each day is 24hrs, it's a new page in the story of your life, start a new chapter remember you are the author to your happiness.

Love hugs and kisses 

Me xx

I don't like the consistency.

So it's a really odd time for me,  while my recovery from BPD is getting closer to the end, I still have a piece of Kryptonite, that ruins me on contact. 

That strips me so bear that every emotion pulls me to a place that I don't want to be.

I feel like I'm drowning! I feel like my whole life is getting there day by day but this Kryptonite just pulls and pulls at me till I have nothing left. 

I still find it hard like most people that when behaviour isn't consistent it makes me feel not numb or any of them other feelings you get with BPD however, it hurts me and it hurts my heart so much that I can feel it get smaller n more locked off than ever before.

I'm starting to see that my life will always be like this because the better I get, the behaviour I'd actually let happen before I refuse to let happen now. 

It's hard being confused but it's even harder when someone's behaviour isn't consistent to what you have always knew from this person. 

I'm also struggling with the fact that now I'm better I may not even love this person as much as I thought I did and that's so scary, but it's never ending its 24hrs a day 7 days a week mental torture and has been for so long that it's now part of my life or sure as hell feels that way.

It's my dreams, every thought, every conversation and the reason most of my tears drop and roll down my cheek.

The lies are I feel that I'm faced with are hard yet I don't no what's true or not or how I'm even meant to feel! It's a frustrating situation. 

My dreams leave me waking up sweating with the tears already in my eyes, i got to the point where all that had stopped, my anxiety however feels like this is fine and acceptable, yeah it's really not! 

Suffering with BPD I took a test  that said I was serve case of BPD with a a sore of 46, on retaking the test I realised that the score was taken down to 17! Now I done this on my feelings now taking this person out my mind as I did it, the score being 17 is amazing and made me so proud, however I feel if I did this with this person as part of my life would the score be so high? No it wouldn't not in a month of Sunday's would it be the same score. Inconsistent behaviour gives any BPD suffer triggers but not only BPD it's most people if someone changes how they are towards you on a daily or hourly basis, when you have feelings for this person it makes life even harder that the behaviour they are showing you isn't what you wish to show them, you just want to show them love and kindness but their behaviour towards you stops this from happening because you are greeted with contentment, now this is something that will effect anyone not just someone with BPD, it makes me wonder when did 'treat others like you want to be treated' stopped happening? When did people become so complaisance with matters of the heart? Was it when we stopped wanting to fight for it? Was it when love became a meme or a quote.

Love is one of the most amazing feelings in the world however it's also one of the hardest! That's what love is it's about seeing who's worth the fight or the wait, however when does the choice come to stop? When does self respect kick in? 

If someone behaviour isn't what you want but you wish for the old them back is it to late if they changed for the worst? Then comes the guilty feelings of what if my BPD caused the changes then it made a monster (ok not a monster just not a nice person) I can't change that if never given the chance.

People need consistent behaviour of they have BPD or not! One thought always gets me through 

"If the person you spend so long ignoring today, wasn't to wake up tomorrow would it of all been worth it? Or would you regret it?"

The only way I can answer that is, it's not really worth it life is to short, believe me I no. Last year as some o you may be aware I tried to kill myself the first time in my life I really wanted to die it wasn't a cry for help or to stop the pain I wanted to die, it's only now I'll be honest about that fact but I didn't want to be here anymore. One of the things that got me past that awful time was my desire to get better but my strongest was to prove everyone wrong including him, in fact he was the start of the vision, that soon changed and it became me. 

However if I ask myself that question regrading him I say no, even tho it's not consistent from his side and mine as a result of that even tho I'm more confused than ever the answer would be no it wasn't worth it, it's all wasted time that know one can ever get back. They say we regret the chances we didn't take. 

So next time that person who seems to bug the shit of you, tries again on a fresh day it's a new day, a new start, because tomorrow isn't granted to anyone. Be the change you wish to see in the world no matter how hard it is, at least I no if anything happens to me, I hope the feelings of regret don't over shadow the love and feelings I had for you, my solace is that even with the inconsistent behaviour I tried to show you how much love I had towards you and that out beats my regret to not give up. I wasn't born a quitter, I mean I didn't get this far by quitting.. Trust after all is built on Consistency and people with BPD steam from children who didn't have consistency as a child so learned how to not trust.

Lots of love always..

RPC xx

Why is sorry the hardest word?

So after another really good week, someone came back into my life, but yet again I'm faced with something that I refuse to trigger me, I refuse to let it drive me into a crazy melt down! 

Knowing the person I am now, is very different than the person I was. Now I sat on these feelings for a very long time but was triggered again the other day, the past emotions didn't effect me but what did effect me was yet another person made me feel like yet again I'm not worth apologising to. 

I was brought up to know if you done wrong, upset or hurt someone and you was in the wrong then you say sorry and mean it sincerely.

Now it seems I am an exception to this rule but I refuse to let it carry on, I am sensitive these days now the wall has gone. Were as before anything that pissed me off would have my back up and I'd start with my acid mouth, but these days that just isn't me at all, I'll think and look at the situation before I give in and say my piece but these days it's not if I'm offended or lashing out if I have something to say it's not just for the hell of it! These days I'm to chilled to start kicking and screaming it drains you.

However this has been going on my whole life I don't think anyone who has ever harmed, hurt or let me down has ever said sorry and I'm so fast to just forgive people (well I was) see these days I'm not desperate to be loved or wanted just to feel normal.

I feel that BPD suffers let people get away with hurting them, because they feel so worthless and craved to be loved that we feel it's ok for people to treat us badly because that is all we have ever know. There is a method in that, I always pretty much let men do what they wish if we are being sexual, this is because I spent so many years being abused that sex is like a punishment. This would of been my first interaction with men when I was bing abused so in my head it's always just been ok for men to hurt me and make me sad and not say anything about it. So from a young age I learnt that when people hurt me they don't say sorry but when I'm wrong I must say sorry. It was confusing to me because when children my own age did something wrong to me I'd hit out and, think that it was ok because that's what I was shown.

But now I'm 28 and I have got to the stage in my life that i think fuck that! 

If anyone upsets me I'll tell them, see the difference is these days if I have something to say it's generally because it's hurt me not because I'm being defensive, it's because it's a genuine feeling I have, and trust me someone who has BPD knowing there feelings is a huge deal I now know mine and my voice now matches my heart not my head. 

I am a person to, who when she is wrong I will say I'm sorry till I am blue in the face, I hope that one day people say sorry for all they did to me, I don't hold grudges and I have forgiven so many people even tho they have never asked for forgiveness I have always gave it to them. I don't understand why sorry is such a hard word to say, people say 'I love you' more than "I'm sorry" 

There will be a day when people see that my past behaviour as an adult has been out of my control and I am sorry about how I have behaved in the past and I will never go back to the old me! I mean how could I Iv dealt with a lot however, in 2015 I am an adult who has adult relationship either it be a friend or partner and it's on acceptable to do me a wrong and not think I won't pull you up for up. I have feelings too just like everyone else, that doesn't mean I should be treated like less of a person because I suffer from a disorder that now hardly effects me.

BPDs remember that we are people too and just like others set Boundaries for us we also need to set them ourselves for others.

Speak soon

Me x

We all want to inspire.

So after a year of learning about me and finding myself, all while fighting my BPD that I now no is an anxiety disorder, that makes it easier to deal with, because I know that anxiety is just stuff your mind makes up to scare you. 

Yes it may have taken me a long time to see that but I now do.

Anyway back to what this blog is really about inspiration, we all want to inspire someone, don't we? 

I only started being honest and open about my feelings when I wanted to help others. After I was told I had BPD I felt so alone and, even more like know one would ever stay with me now. It made me very angry and upset that I had this disorder because of people who where meant to love, care and protect me, however nearly 4years after being told I had BPD, the last year has been my hardest but my most eye opening and inspiring to myself let alone anyone else. It's been one struggle after another but so so worth it! I feel now I'm in a place where I see things so much different in not angry at my past yes I'm still angry these things happened to me but I'm not angry at the wrong people I'm angry at the people who let me down when they weren't meant too.

From as far back as I can remember I can remember doing all these things I didn't no how to stop or it was the only way I'd get attention I craved, you see when you are a baby you just trust the people who are meant to look out for you now I didn't have that I was born on a summers day in June I came into the world screaming and spent pretty much all my life screaming on the inside and showing it as anger from the outside, I was born to a mother who wanted to love me so much but because of her own demands in life couldn't do that so she neglected me and rejected me, I was sent to live with her mother who abused her power of trust and let men abuse me as long as she was kept sweet or the time she was scared that if go to live with my mum again and her abuse plans would fail she punched me in the face, then there was the uncle I thought loved me but was giving me calpol at night to knock out, to do what ever. That was all before I was 4 then I was told I was going on a holiday but never went home this was because i was getting to old and started talking about my abuse so I was dumped again. 

I was a little girl at 4 who was scared I can still remember the feelings I had as I was taking away I new I'd never see them again and that's pretty much what happened.  

This is when my behaviour started when I was put into care I just didn't understand why all this happened to me and I just wanted to go home.

I spent most my time in foster homes with other kids. I was starved in one place and then was moved to another where I would stay till I was 7.

From there I went home but not to my home to live with my dad a man that scared me and frightened me, to another city where I knew I had know one, this didn't go to well and I was physically abused for years the type of beatings know child should ever get that has left me with physical damage, I put myself back into care at 12, because I wouldn't face it anymore.

My disorder was already in full effect by the time I ran away at 15 back to Manchester. So 13 years ago I was a 15 year old with her life a head of her who followed her heart for a man who would also be abusive and break my trust. 

I ended up homeless, in a city I didn't know anymore but I did no it was home and where I was meant to be.

From one bad relationship to the other that ended in 2009 after I lost my child and my ex dragged me down stairs and outside, this was the last time I ever let a man abuse me. I mad a promise to me and child that I had to change my life for the better, it may not be amazing but compared to how it was before this i couldn't ask for much more.

With the years that followed not being the best either but by this point I was in self destruct mode and would ruin everything that I came into contact with, with hard relationships with family, friends and partners. I was always mad at the wrong people, it was always the people who just wanted to love me and help me I would lash out at causing all sorts of damage along the way but even more damage to myself because after all, that was all I ever wanted was to be loved. I should of been angry at the people who had let me down and hurt me this was hard as one of them was all I ever really had. I've spent my whole life alone I used to find it very difficult to be me till 12 months ago when all that changed, I finally started to see what love really was (even tho my vision wasn't a great one) it took the break down of my most important relationship to make me see that I really needed to change so this last year while dealing with a broken heart after my mental breakdown, I did just that (and I'm still learning), I still get awful low points but they're low points because I finally at 28 I'm showing the world the girl I always kept hidden, the one I'd only let certain people see then would get angry because of it. 

I'm still on a journey but I see light at the end of tunnel I have 2 demands left to face the biggest and hardest ones, however this doesn't scare me it inspires me to get up every day and, not let anyone else or my behaviour ruin anymore of my life because of them  

If I can face all this and more then so can you, life is hard it's a really struggle however if you don't struggle how are you meant to learn how are you meant evolve? If I manage to inspire someone not to give up because I never did and never will that my mark will be left on this world as long as it's left inside someone's heart..

You are amazing and it may get worse before it gets better but it will get better. I'm glad I started this Journey, it's made me calmer and more relaxed about all the things I used to be so scared of,

After all it's mostly in our minds and we are the masters of our own thoughts.

Until next time

Xxx

My 7year old me and Me..

Ever since I was 7 years old and I wasn't allowed out my bedroom because I was told the other children didn't like me or Id been naughty even tho I had taken the blame for what someone else had done, I guess it was always just easy to blame the little girl who was troubled and damaged. The nights I had to eat hair grease, (and I pretend it was something amazing.) because I was hungry but was to scared to ask for anything more to eat after all Id been given breakfast n a small tea, I remember how Id lay in bed or Id sit on the edge during the day with my neck and shoulders heavy because I couldn't hold them anymore I always had this same dream that still 11 years later I have, still laying here alone because everyone I trust leaves me still and still believes Im not worth sticking with, I dream of that miracle when someone comes and saves me from the big monsters but the monsters now are my past, and will see that even tho Im damaged they will love me and just me. It's so hard with BPD I spend so much time hating myself that I don't need others to hate me too. I'm not lonely or scared to be alone infact being alone is the safest place in the world for me but I still have that fairytale in my mind that Im in Cinderella's and someone will climb every wall and scale the tallest tower  to just be with me. It's so hard when I think of that little girl I was because that 7 year old girl is still very much part of me, I just want to let her go but the more people let me down the more it's still only me and her. In the end all I ever really have is me no matter how much people say they understand and will be there they don't and never will be. I don't need saving anymore I just need some to hold my hand as I continue to save myself. 

I can't make all my dreams come true alone I guess. 

M