How wrong I was..

So this last week went from amazing to the worst. From planning my home with the man who seemed to love me more than anything in the world to ending up in hospital trying to take my own life and looking round and being alone all over again. As iv expressed before in blogs I get triggers and become very insulting and nasty yes I try so hard to control this, these days but I'm not perfect and I have a long way to go. I got wrapped up in my world becoming perfect and everything I ever wanted but how wrong was I. Letting someone into my home and safe space was a massive thing for me iv not let anyone into my private special place for a very long time and if I'm honest I wasn't ready too I was no were near ready to let someone into my bed and my bubble that's always been just me my place when I'm low and depressed that's my place to shut the world out, but I felt like I needed to I mean I was loved and adored and I really believed this was the one man who was never going to leave me or let down and who I never doubted when he said he loved me and promised me so much, maybe I was wrong for believing my life  would have a happy ending and I'd get everything I dreamed of. Letting him into my home was the start of the end for us, I was very off and snappy and I felt threatened and vulnerable I tried to be as normal as I could be and tried being how we normally was but inside I was scared and panicking about me doing this final step and letting someone into the last closed door of me. I tried to forget but I couldn't and these feelings where still there till I picked something I could explode at and go into a rage about and I did saying the normal things I know would get a reaction and I got one the reaction I didn't won't it was finally one rage to much and he told me he didn't want me anymore hearing the words I feared so much had finally been said, I went into over drive and tried taking my life, it was very stupid but my anxiety got the better of me. Spending a few days in hospital alone has made me realise I wasn't loved It was pity He never could of loved me to leave me alone like this to not speak to me and ignore me, this isn't acts of the man I fell in love with. I don't no what love is but its not that. Being with anyone who has BPD is hard but I was honest and always told him how hard it could be, that doesn't excuse the things I said I no I was wrong like I always am. But what do I do now? How do I cope with this? How do I handle the fact I'm scared of never loving anyone that much again? What about all the plans we had? Most people get with someone and its all amazing for the first year being with someone like me is different to that its hard at first but gets better, well I hope it does iv never had anyone stick around long enough for me to know.

I'm very lost right now and I don't know how I'm meant to be or what to do. All I know is everything I thought I had was fake I wasn't loved and adored like I really thought I was but how stupid of me to ever really believed I was anyway.

I really do believe that people with my disorder are only ever loved for a short time and not very long at all.

What makes this so worse is Id wouldn't want to be with someone like me who is how I am, so I can't blame him for not wanting to stick around because I wouldn't of.