Missing the old me...

So as I sit here and type this feeling hated for zero reason at all, I'm wondering what happened to the old me? 

You know the me who didn't care what anyone thought of her? The one who had an attitude for no reason? The me who wasn't afraid to just be nasty?

It's so hard at times like this when other people effect your moods and causes you anitexy or to question yourself when you feel that all you have been is nice. I never used to care if someone hated me. I miss my whatever attitude, I miss the me that was ready and prepared for anyone and everyone to hate her.  However now I'm not, I'm not mean or nasty, I try and be kind and mindful of everyone's situations and struggles. 

Not everyone is like that though and egos and attitudes really do have a knock on effect on me these days, I get really confused and end up thinking what have I done. I probably do this as I don't want to be a person that people hate anymore. I want to spend my day making people laugh and being a positive influence on everyone's life. I'm the type of person to walk round smiling at people just to brighten their day because we never know what someone is having to handle, it's also nice when someone smiles back. It's all about little acts of kindness.

I say I miss the old me, however I love this me so much more! I love the person I am becoming from who I was. I like the fact I stand in the mirror and finally smile at who I am for not one reason it's a good feeling. I only ever miss the old me when I don't understand someone's behaviour towards me, as that cocky little bitch would of gave more than she got she had an attitude and ego bigger than anyone.

This me is better though I'm the me I was always hiding away from people, maybe that's why I'm more open and feel more vulnerable to people's behaviours towards me. That won't change me though or the path I'm on I'll continue to grow and recover from my BPD after all this new me is liked and loved a lot more..

You can see for yourself 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ape9TqURK9E

Love and hugs

The Girl with BPD X

When PMDD pops by to say hello

Hello you,

Well it's safe to say not everyday is a good day, most of all when its that time of the month your PMDD (Premenstrual dysphoric disorder) effects your BPD, PMDD  is a condition in which a woman has severe depression symptoms, irritability, and tension before menstruation. The symptoms of PMDD are more severe than those seen with PMS.. 

So each month I get all the feelings Iv tried so hard to remove from my life but what can I do my moods become low, I become tired and life just feels to much again! BPD + PMDD = the fiery pits of hell! It's a nightmare, I don't mean that to be dramatic, however it's true my moods are like revolving  doors to a department store and only stop when the store is closed and I'm a sleep, my Anitexy is awful and let's not start on my temper! I become needy and like a 2 year old it's like all the work Iv done the last 3 and a half years has been for nothing. The only thing I can do is lay in bed and sooth my self or do things that cheer me up, however this is hard in the depressed state of PMDD, it makes you feel so tired and helpless! My only comfort is that I know as soon as my period arrives the hell is over and I'm back to being me. 

The me that's happy and not crying over just anything who has her zest back for life, rather than struggling to get by in the day or even smile.

Having BPD is hard work but add PMDD to that its even harder! Most BPD suffers get PMDD to my understanding so for those of you struggling right now because of PMDD remember it last a week is temporary and you will be back to you in 0 time at all.

Love and hugs 

The Girl with BPD