I need your help

I am working with a fellow suffer on something I hope will bring hope and awareness to so many other suffers.. But I need your stories for more information please email me.

I need some help! I need as many BPD suffers who are on the start of their recovery to people at the end, from parents, children, partners and who has been effected by this disorder I need your help to help me explain to others what it's like having Borderline personality effort your life.

Please email Reggieistrouble@gmail.com

It will all be confidential unless you wish to be named.

Thank you x

You control your happiness.

The girl who smiles today is because I put my faith in myself and the universe to find the love I wanted to find in someone else to find it in me.

Being happy in yourself is important to anyone however when you have BPD that little person that has protected you for so long, you know the one you talk to and explain that one day it'll all be ok, to self sooth yourself.

We as BPDs spend far to long trying to find someone who makes them feel whole, we need to look into ourselves to find this, it's comes from courage, strength, willpower but most of all from the desire to be better and of sound mind.

Never let anyone control your happiness, when we do this we allow them to control or sadness also. You know all those times when someone told you they felt like they was always on edge to your moods? Or how you'd react? Well this is the same but you have to look at it as an outsider, 

People feel on edge because of us, however someone with BPD feels on edge because they are so scared that they can't make this person happy, they will see how we aren't perfect, how you spend all of your life trying to please others because that's the only way you know it's going to be ok.

That is all so wrong! We have to find happiness and peace with ourselves first and let go of the pain from the past. We can't change the past but we can make the future so much better. It's time to let go to the ghosts, it has taken up to much of your life already! 

None of it was YOUR fault! But YOU are incontrol of your future and how bright it will be! 

If I hadn't started this Journey nearly 4 years ago I'd never be here today, yes 4 years is a long time but the last year has been the hardest however because I made the choice that my past was going to ruin my happiness if I didn't spend all my time thinking, speaking and processing it. Yes it's been hard and at times I wanted to give up but I owe it to the little girl I was to make the rest of my life what I want it to be. I spent so long trying to be what someone else wanted me to be I forgot to be true to myself! I forgot about how sad I was or how I was attacked racially and personally by "friends" of someone who I was so in love with because I let him control my happiness I was never going to happy until I realise he was never enough for me anyway, see we tend to do that we romance about the happiness and forget the hurt that has been caused. 

We didn't ask for bad things to happen however we are the happiness we NEED! Once you start smiling at the person you become the pain of past stops you feeling numb..

I smile today with love, pride, faith, gratitude and a full heart. My Journey isn't over yet but i can see the light at the end of the tunnel and where I started seems so long away. 

Remember that each day is 24hrs, it's a new page in the story of your life, start a new chapter remember you are the author to your happiness.

Love hugs and kisses 

Me xx

I don't like the consistency.

So it's a really odd time for me,  while my recovery from BPD is getting closer to the end, I still have a piece of Kryptonite, that ruins me on contact. 

That strips me so bear that every emotion pulls me to a place that I don't want to be.

I feel like I'm drowning! I feel like my whole life is getting there day by day but this Kryptonite just pulls and pulls at me till I have nothing left. 

I still find it hard like most people that when behaviour isn't consistent it makes me feel not numb or any of them other feelings you get with BPD however, it hurts me and it hurts my heart so much that I can feel it get smaller n more locked off than ever before.

I'm starting to see that my life will always be like this because the better I get, the behaviour I'd actually let happen before I refuse to let happen now. 

It's hard being confused but it's even harder when someone's behaviour isn't consistent to what you have always knew from this person. 

I'm also struggling with the fact that now I'm better I may not even love this person as much as I thought I did and that's so scary, but it's never ending its 24hrs a day 7 days a week mental torture and has been for so long that it's now part of my life or sure as hell feels that way.

It's my dreams, every thought, every conversation and the reason most of my tears drop and roll down my cheek.

The lies are I feel that I'm faced with are hard yet I don't no what's true or not or how I'm even meant to feel! It's a frustrating situation. 

My dreams leave me waking up sweating with the tears already in my eyes, i got to the point where all that had stopped, my anxiety however feels like this is fine and acceptable, yeah it's really not! 

Suffering with BPD I took a test  that said I was serve case of BPD with a a sore of 46, on retaking the test I realised that the score was taken down to 17! Now I done this on my feelings now taking this person out my mind as I did it, the score being 17 is amazing and made me so proud, however I feel if I did this with this person as part of my life would the score be so high? No it wouldn't not in a month of Sunday's would it be the same score. Inconsistent behaviour gives any BPD suffer triggers but not only BPD it's most people if someone changes how they are towards you on a daily or hourly basis, when you have feelings for this person it makes life even harder that the behaviour they are showing you isn't what you wish to show them, you just want to show them love and kindness but their behaviour towards you stops this from happening because you are greeted with contentment, now this is something that will effect anyone not just someone with BPD, it makes me wonder when did 'treat others like you want to be treated' stopped happening? When did people become so complaisance with matters of the heart? Was it when we stopped wanting to fight for it? Was it when love became a meme or a quote.

Love is one of the most amazing feelings in the world however it's also one of the hardest! That's what love is it's about seeing who's worth the fight or the wait, however when does the choice come to stop? When does self respect kick in? 

If someone behaviour isn't what you want but you wish for the old them back is it to late if they changed for the worst? Then comes the guilty feelings of what if my BPD caused the changes then it made a monster (ok not a monster just not a nice person) I can't change that if never given the chance.

People need consistent behaviour of they have BPD or not! One thought always gets me through 

"If the person you spend so long ignoring today, wasn't to wake up tomorrow would it of all been worth it? Or would you regret it?"

The only way I can answer that is, it's not really worth it life is to short, believe me I no. Last year as some o you may be aware I tried to kill myself the first time in my life I really wanted to die it wasn't a cry for help or to stop the pain I wanted to die, it's only now I'll be honest about that fact but I didn't want to be here anymore. One of the things that got me past that awful time was my desire to get better but my strongest was to prove everyone wrong including him, in fact he was the start of the vision, that soon changed and it became me. 

However if I ask myself that question regrading him I say no, even tho it's not consistent from his side and mine as a result of that even tho I'm more confused than ever the answer would be no it wasn't worth it, it's all wasted time that know one can ever get back. They say we regret the chances we didn't take. 

So next time that person who seems to bug the shit of you, tries again on a fresh day it's a new day, a new start, because tomorrow isn't granted to anyone. Be the change you wish to see in the world no matter how hard it is, at least I no if anything happens to me, I hope the feelings of regret don't over shadow the love and feelings I had for you, my solace is that even with the inconsistent behaviour I tried to show you how much love I had towards you and that out beats my regret to not give up. I wasn't born a quitter, I mean I didn't get this far by quitting.. Trust after all is built on Consistency and people with BPD steam from children who didn't have consistency as a child so learned how to not trust.

Lots of love always..

RPC xx

Why is sorry the hardest word?

So after another really good week, someone came back into my life, but yet again I'm faced with something that I refuse to trigger me, I refuse to let it drive me into a crazy melt down! 

Knowing the person I am now, is very different than the person I was. Now I sat on these feelings for a very long time but was triggered again the other day, the past emotions didn't effect me but what did effect me was yet another person made me feel like yet again I'm not worth apologising to. 

I was brought up to know if you done wrong, upset or hurt someone and you was in the wrong then you say sorry and mean it sincerely.

Now it seems I am an exception to this rule but I refuse to let it carry on, I am sensitive these days now the wall has gone. Were as before anything that pissed me off would have my back up and I'd start with my acid mouth, but these days that just isn't me at all, I'll think and look at the situation before I give in and say my piece but these days it's not if I'm offended or lashing out if I have something to say it's not just for the hell of it! These days I'm to chilled to start kicking and screaming it drains you.

However this has been going on my whole life I don't think anyone who has ever harmed, hurt or let me down has ever said sorry and I'm so fast to just forgive people (well I was) see these days I'm not desperate to be loved or wanted just to feel normal.

I feel that BPD suffers let people get away with hurting them, because they feel so worthless and craved to be loved that we feel it's ok for people to treat us badly because that is all we have ever know. There is a method in that, I always pretty much let men do what they wish if we are being sexual, this is because I spent so many years being abused that sex is like a punishment. This would of been my first interaction with men when I was bing abused so in my head it's always just been ok for men to hurt me and make me sad and not say anything about it. So from a young age I learnt that when people hurt me they don't say sorry but when I'm wrong I must say sorry. It was confusing to me because when children my own age did something wrong to me I'd hit out and, think that it was ok because that's what I was shown.

But now I'm 28 and I have got to the stage in my life that i think fuck that! 

If anyone upsets me I'll tell them, see the difference is these days if I have something to say it's generally because it's hurt me not because I'm being defensive, it's because it's a genuine feeling I have, and trust me someone who has BPD knowing there feelings is a huge deal I now know mine and my voice now matches my heart not my head. 

I am a person to, who when she is wrong I will say I'm sorry till I am blue in the face, I hope that one day people say sorry for all they did to me, I don't hold grudges and I have forgiven so many people even tho they have never asked for forgiveness I have always gave it to them. I don't understand why sorry is such a hard word to say, people say 'I love you' more than "I'm sorry" 

There will be a day when people see that my past behaviour as an adult has been out of my control and I am sorry about how I have behaved in the past and I will never go back to the old me! I mean how could I Iv dealt with a lot however, in 2015 I am an adult who has adult relationship either it be a friend or partner and it's on acceptable to do me a wrong and not think I won't pull you up for up. I have feelings too just like everyone else, that doesn't mean I should be treated like less of a person because I suffer from a disorder that now hardly effects me.

BPDs remember that we are people too and just like others set Boundaries for us we also need to set them ourselves for others.

Speak soon

Me x

We all want to inspire.

So after a year of learning about me and finding myself, all while fighting my BPD that I now no is an anxiety disorder, that makes it easier to deal with, because I know that anxiety is just stuff your mind makes up to scare you. 

Yes it may have taken me a long time to see that but I now do.

Anyway back to what this blog is really about inspiration, we all want to inspire someone, don't we? 

I only started being honest and open about my feelings when I wanted to help others. After I was told I had BPD I felt so alone and, even more like know one would ever stay with me now. It made me very angry and upset that I had this disorder because of people who where meant to love, care and protect me, however nearly 4years after being told I had BPD, the last year has been my hardest but my most eye opening and inspiring to myself let alone anyone else. It's been one struggle after another but so so worth it! I feel now I'm in a place where I see things so much different in not angry at my past yes I'm still angry these things happened to me but I'm not angry at the wrong people I'm angry at the people who let me down when they weren't meant too.

From as far back as I can remember I can remember doing all these things I didn't no how to stop or it was the only way I'd get attention I craved, you see when you are a baby you just trust the people who are meant to look out for you now I didn't have that I was born on a summers day in June I came into the world screaming and spent pretty much all my life screaming on the inside and showing it as anger from the outside, I was born to a mother who wanted to love me so much but because of her own demands in life couldn't do that so she neglected me and rejected me, I was sent to live with her mother who abused her power of trust and let men abuse me as long as she was kept sweet or the time she was scared that if go to live with my mum again and her abuse plans would fail she punched me in the face, then there was the uncle I thought loved me but was giving me calpol at night to knock out, to do what ever. That was all before I was 4 then I was told I was going on a holiday but never went home this was because i was getting to old and started talking about my abuse so I was dumped again. 

I was a little girl at 4 who was scared I can still remember the feelings I had as I was taking away I new I'd never see them again and that's pretty much what happened.  

This is when my behaviour started when I was put into care I just didn't understand why all this happened to me and I just wanted to go home.

I spent most my time in foster homes with other kids. I was starved in one place and then was moved to another where I would stay till I was 7.

From there I went home but not to my home to live with my dad a man that scared me and frightened me, to another city where I knew I had know one, this didn't go to well and I was physically abused for years the type of beatings know child should ever get that has left me with physical damage, I put myself back into care at 12, because I wouldn't face it anymore.

My disorder was already in full effect by the time I ran away at 15 back to Manchester. So 13 years ago I was a 15 year old with her life a head of her who followed her heart for a man who would also be abusive and break my trust. 

I ended up homeless, in a city I didn't know anymore but I did no it was home and where I was meant to be.

From one bad relationship to the other that ended in 2009 after I lost my child and my ex dragged me down stairs and outside, this was the last time I ever let a man abuse me. I mad a promise to me and child that I had to change my life for the better, it may not be amazing but compared to how it was before this i couldn't ask for much more.

With the years that followed not being the best either but by this point I was in self destruct mode and would ruin everything that I came into contact with, with hard relationships with family, friends and partners. I was always mad at the wrong people, it was always the people who just wanted to love me and help me I would lash out at causing all sorts of damage along the way but even more damage to myself because after all, that was all I ever wanted was to be loved. I should of been angry at the people who had let me down and hurt me this was hard as one of them was all I ever really had. I've spent my whole life alone I used to find it very difficult to be me till 12 months ago when all that changed, I finally started to see what love really was (even tho my vision wasn't a great one) it took the break down of my most important relationship to make me see that I really needed to change so this last year while dealing with a broken heart after my mental breakdown, I did just that (and I'm still learning), I still get awful low points but they're low points because I finally at 28 I'm showing the world the girl I always kept hidden, the one I'd only let certain people see then would get angry because of it. 

I'm still on a journey but I see light at the end of tunnel I have 2 demands left to face the biggest and hardest ones, however this doesn't scare me it inspires me to get up every day and, not let anyone else or my behaviour ruin anymore of my life because of them  

If I can face all this and more then so can you, life is hard it's a really struggle however if you don't struggle how are you meant to learn how are you meant evolve? If I manage to inspire someone not to give up because I never did and never will that my mark will be left on this world as long as it's left inside someone's heart..

You are amazing and it may get worse before it gets better but it will get better. I'm glad I started this Journey, it's made me calmer and more relaxed about all the things I used to be so scared of,

After all it's mostly in our minds and we are the masters of our own thoughts.

Until next time

Xxx