This is not fucking me!!

The worst thing about depression and having BPD is i no its not the person I am! I'm not an angry aggressive person. I'm not cold or cruel or mean, I wouldn't hurt someone for the sake of it. I'd give anyone anything I could or help anyone even if they had done me wrong. That's why it frustrates me so much when I rage and i let my disorder get the better of me because it's not the real me. I'm loving and caring I'm so soft and gentle I just suffer from BPD maybe that's why after Iv had an outburst of rage it hits me so hard and I get so depressed because I know it's not the real me or who Id ever want to be. I get so ashamed and depressed after a rage I hate myself and think everyone hates me to, I feel like Iv left myself down and I end up hurting myself more. I need to get over this disorder I refuse to let it beat me or define me as a person! But I still need help. It's been so long since I was last like this it's just really effecting me. I never feel like self harming or killing myself but right now I do. I just feel like Iv hurt everyone and I never want to hurt anyone I love, care about or a person who was nice too me. I need to get past this I just feel so bad. This isn't me I'm happy I smile I laugh Im a smart arse with a big gob! I need me back.

What now? I just can't figure it out

So the last 7 days have been hell! Not just for me but for him too. After going into autopilot mode I found myself stood outside his house not a clue how I got there or what I was even going to do! I guess I just needed to see he was in pain too and what we had wasn't fake and that he really did love me, that's true he loved and still loves me he just can't find a way to be with me, he can't handle my BPD like I always new he wouldn't be able too at some points. So we drove around for a long time both very upset we must of cried enough to fill broughton baths! It was clear we was both hurting, I guess I thought if he seen me it would all change and he'd fall back in love with me but this runs deeper than that he doesn't believe I'll ever get better from BPD and I'll have it forever but I won't I will get better people recover from illnesses and I'm telling you now this will not fucking beat me! So after we drove around for a while we went home to his and just held each other lovingly like we did most of the time, I woke up with this big realisation it was still the same he hadn't changed his mind my overdoes and hurting myself was more then he could deal with among other things. The hardest thing was him telling me it was so hard for him to do, how it was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do in his life. I believe him when he says that because Iv never seen anyone in so much pain at not being able to be with the person he loved most in the world but he had to put himself first. When he was on his way to drop me off to come home noticed he'd gone the long way and not the normal way I new in my head this was so people didn't see me with him for the first time I felt like he was ashamed of me and hated me that much he had to hide me like a dirty secret like i wasn't the girl he loved I was just some cheap slag he'd just met. After speaking it turned out hed lied to me about something I thought I was being paranoid about well that lie ended my 2years 3months n 17days since my last outburst, I lost it! The rage in me I was holding onto came out over a massive 6hour tournament of me lashing out at him. I won't write here what happened as I'm ashamed of myself for it Im truly sorry for my actions it wasn't me and was out of character and I wouldn't want him to be embarrassed or ashamed but what I will say is he was a perfect gentleman and didn't react to anything I did and I thank him for that. Iv not been this low in so long but I know I have to get better for me. I will recover from this illness I didn't ask for it I will beat it! I'm just so lost right now I don't no what I'm meant to do next. Right now I'm alone but that's for the best I need to be able I'll get better in my own time, everyone in recovery falls at some point I guess this is my fall. I never meant to hurt anyone Iv hurt myself and let myself down. Right now I'm just low and  facing new days scares me but I'm getting the right help. BPD is a struggle but this is my struggle. I just have to take one day at a time. I will beat this disorder and I will prove to myself I am worth it. Right now I just hate myself and don't see any light at the end of it all. 

What now? I just can't figure it out 

Lost

So today's is my first night back at home after my overdoes and I'm sat in the dark listening to Adele cover of I can't make you love me, and how fitting is this song for me right now I can't make him love me I can't make him be with me and I can't make him be there for me when I need him the most. 

I'm not scared to be alone like most people are I've spent my whole alone I'm scared I'll never feel like this again for anyone, I'm scared that him rejecting the real me the person I've never shown to anyone will stop me ever letting anyone in again. I trusted him so much and I gave it my all I know at times it probs didn't feel like that when I was mean and nasty towards him but that part of my disorder hasn't gone away yet I tried so hard I gave it my best but I guess my best just wasn't good enough. I can only love someone the way I know how too. Sometimes I wish I hadn't been born because I hurt everyone but most of all I end up hurting my self me being how I am has broken my own heart, I cant expect anyone to love me or stay around its far to much to ask of one person. I don't expect people to put up with how I can be at times, I don't expect people to ever stay around anyway so I push and push till they have enough. I really did believe it was it for me well I hoped it was but deep down I new it wasn't I new he'd never stay around for me it was to hard for him. I've never been so happy in my life I never stopped laughing and finally being able to be me round someone was amazing it was the best to be able to be the me I am alone with someone else I've never had that. Now it's gone because of every fault of my own. I was so in love my head wouldn't stop spinning to the point where I had to shut off part of me when I wasn't with him I couldn't think and I felt very vulnerable and would lash out, it's so easy to write this now because it's all over and done with. I don't no how I'll bounce back from this but I know I'll just have too I'll just have to get on with my life now. I wasn't good enough or even worthy to be with him and I'd project every fault I thought he seen in me onto him when I felt I was going to be rejected because I didn't feel good enough I'd make him feel and think he wasn't but that was never the case he was more than enough for me. Sometimes you love a person for a short period of time, I know now it wasn't real from his side I mean how could it of been? But I'm glad that I got to feel like I had my happy ever after even if only for a very small period of time. I wish him every happiness in the world and I hope he really does fall in love with someone one day and she's everything to him like he was to me. 

I just hope someone loves me one day like I do them, I hope I get my happy ever after..

How wrong I was..

So this last week went from amazing to the worst. From planning my home with the man who seemed to love me more than anything in the world to ending up in hospital trying to take my own life and looking round and being alone all over again. As iv expressed before in blogs I get triggers and become very insulting and nasty yes I try so hard to control this, these days but I'm not perfect and I have a long way to go. I got wrapped up in my world becoming perfect and everything I ever wanted but how wrong was I. Letting someone into my home and safe space was a massive thing for me iv not let anyone into my private special place for a very long time and if I'm honest I wasn't ready too I was no were near ready to let someone into my bed and my bubble that's always been just me my place when I'm low and depressed that's my place to shut the world out, but I felt like I needed to I mean I was loved and adored and I really believed this was the one man who was never going to leave me or let down and who I never doubted when he said he loved me and promised me so much, maybe I was wrong for believing my life  would have a happy ending and I'd get everything I dreamed of. Letting him into my home was the start of the end for us, I was very off and snappy and I felt threatened and vulnerable I tried to be as normal as I could be and tried being how we normally was but inside I was scared and panicking about me doing this final step and letting someone into the last closed door of me. I tried to forget but I couldn't and these feelings where still there till I picked something I could explode at and go into a rage about and I did saying the normal things I know would get a reaction and I got one the reaction I didn't won't it was finally one rage to much and he told me he didn't want me anymore hearing the words I feared so much had finally been said, I went into over drive and tried taking my life, it was very stupid but my anxiety got the better of me. Spending a few days in hospital alone has made me realise I wasn't loved It was pity He never could of loved me to leave me alone like this to not speak to me and ignore me, this isn't acts of the man I fell in love with. I don't no what love is but its not that. Being with anyone who has BPD is hard but I was honest and always told him how hard it could be, that doesn't excuse the things I said I no I was wrong like I always am. But what do I do now? How do I cope with this? How do I handle the fact I'm scared of never loving anyone that much again? What about all the plans we had? Most people get with someone and its all amazing for the first year being with someone like me is different to that its hard at first but gets better, well I hope it does iv never had anyone stick around long enough for me to know.

I'm very lost right now and I don't know how I'm meant to be or what to do. All I know is everything I thought I had was fake I wasn't loved and adored like I really thought I was but how stupid of me to ever really believed I was anyway.

I really do believe that people with my disorder are only ever loved for a short time and not very long at all.

What makes this so worse is Id wouldn't want to be with someone like me who is how I am, so I can't blame him for not wanting to stick around because I wouldn't of.

My progress letter..

 Yesterday was my final session of therapy for a while. I now have to face the wild on my own and I'm so ready for it. As from my last blog my goodbye letter my therapist Clive also wrote me follow how he thought therapy had been for me and my progress the letter can be found below..

After I read my letter out to Clive he told me how my letter was the most honest and powerful letter he had ever heard and how my honesty made he nearly cry at one point.

I'll always speak from the heart.. 

Please like and share my blogs you never know they may help. 

My goodbye letter..

I can't believe I'm writing this letter and today is my final therapy session. I'm so different to the scared little girl that walked in that door the one that was so Hungary to get better! I always new there was something more wrong with me then just being depressed I'm so glad I kept fighting to find out what was really wrong with me, finding out I had BPD was the start of this whole journey when the doctor told me I felt the biggest weight be lifted from my shoulders but I new that was only the start. When I first found out I had to come to therapy every week I was scared of digging up things from my past that I wasn't ready to but I new the me that wanted to control my illness and get better was stronger. Coming to see Clive every week has helped me so much when we first started I wasn't talking to my mum and coming to here has helped me maintain a relationship with her and be able to speak to her in a way I never thought possible,  it's helped me find ways of dealing with my rages and outburst and help me not get caught up in my world wind of emotions and to be able to step back and not get pulled into theses feelings. It may of taken 27years but iv learned to think before I bloody speak! It's so hard to write how therapy has been for me because it's been amazing I never once got up and walked out I sat and faced every demand I had face on even tho sometimes it was the hardest thing to do. Iv been able to but so many things to bed and realise that my early stages in my life wasn't my fault and I was just a little girl who had bad things happen to her and to be able to expect this has been the thing I'm so proud of myself for. I never thought I'd find ways to cope but writing my blog and giving myself head space has been a massive influence in this whole thing. Having a safe space to be able to come and speak about all things that are in my head without feeling like I'm going to be judge or say the wrong thing. I'm so glad I had Clive to go on this journey with coming to see him each week to see someone who's understanding and who tells me how awful things must have been for me and who praised me when I made massive steps forward I'm so thankful for. I never wanted to let me down but I never wanted to let him as well because from that first day I walked thru the door you've been my biggest support and I thank you. Being able to learn and realise I'm not unloveable and have been able to open up to someone and let him into my life and to see the real me and not let my feelings or BPD take over 100% but only 40% is so overwhelming I never thought I'd find someone and let them love me for me and therapy has helped me do that. 

I was very scared of this moment a few weeks ago and I didn't want therapy to end but I'm ready I'm ready to face my life and remove the safety net and step out of my bubble.

I'm so excited for my future my darks days aren't as many and my rainbow days are more and I thank myself for that, everyone always said I was strong and now I feel it.

So with my head held high i guess it's time to say thank you and goodbye 

X