My Crisis Point Dairy..

First night....
Today I came to crisis point a service for people in mental health crisis that isn't a hospital, you can come and go however you have to be back by 11 (I'm not ready to go out yet not at all I just want to feel safe). I got dropped off out this huge 3 story townhouse, from the outside it just looks like all the other houses on the street no signs saying what the service is or anything like that, however I know what the service is and why I'm here. It's very scary on how I'm feeling already.
I have mega anxiety and really all I want to do is go inside to my room and sleep I'm so worn out and tired I can't even think right now. I have to walk in here alone my partner can't be here to hold my hand (even though he wants to) I have to do this alone! Plus I'm here for a reason to get the help Iv been wanting and needing for a while.
I walk in to be greeted by a member of staff who firstly may I say made me feel so much worse! She was cold unwelcoming and frankly robotic like! I had to sit down and listen to her for 2 hours asking me questions and not really bothering what I said. She was just doing the paper work she wasn't caring or understanding at all. I wanted to get up and leave however you know me I'm not one to give up, plus I haven't   Came this far to give up now not a chance!
So after that I just wanted to go to sleep and chill out for a while. I had to have a tour of the building that is lovely abit dated but lovely all the less. There is a kitchen to cook food, a tv lounge and a chill room where you can paint, play games, listen to music and basically just chill out. On an evening you are encouraged to go down stairs and join in with everyone else. After my tour I just wanted to take a diazepam and sleep for a while as I'm so tired that's all I needed to do.
I woke up with an open mind and not wanting too let one person put me off the great opportunity that has been given too me. You can stay here up to 10 days and I'm hopefully going to learn new skills and have intense 1+1 sessions.
I spent some time in my room where I just wrote my feelings down. It was getting closer to 9 and I had a knock on my door to find a lovely welcoming member of staff who made me feel at ease and believe me it's just what I needed! I was asked what time id like my 1+1 and was asked to go and join everyone to play some games. I was apprehensive at first but why the fuck do I have to lose?! So I went down and I'm so glad that I did we played a few games (livid I didn't win anyway). I'm it was nice to just do something that took my mind off how I was feeling, even though every now and again it would hit me for a few minutes. I was so tired yet again I went to make a warm drink and had a chat with one of the other guests (I'm saying guest because I hate the fucking word patient) finally I went to bed and had a good night sleep! Thank goodness!

First Day...
So I finally had a good night sleep that was only broken a few times (that amazing for me) I woke up feeling refreshed and ready to start my treatment, I'm feeling okay ish on a scale of 1-10 1 being low 10 being excellent I'm about a 4 Iv been feeling a 1 for days so it's good to feel abit better.
They don't really do a lot here so there is lots of time just waiting around for your one on one.
The one on one was very hard and painful reliving things I'm trying to forget! It lasted about 45 mins that was my choice as I just couldn't do anymore, I was worn out and ready to just sleep. I didn't join in with the group session that night as a member of staff who made me feel so uncomfortable was working so I just went to bed. I was so angry and annoyed I had expressed all these feelings and then was left to cope alone.

Day 2...

Didn't get any better I was left alone most of the morning till my 1+1 that should of been at 2pm however after being told last minute there was a staff shortage i was asked could it be later. I was still very angry and annoyed from my session the day before. I was feeling worse and this made me feel lower than I did when I arrived! A few hours later I had my session, to be told that they aren't train therapist and they are just there to talk too. I was showed a sheet that had my triggers on however these triggers weren't triggers they where feelings from being rejected and abandoned again. They didn't understand that my mood change was triggered by this and weren't because I was Angry or any of the other stuff wrote in my file. I knew this wasn't the place to help me. Iv done CBT so my triggers that they thought were triggers are no longer triggers (if that makes sense), and seen they are not train therapist like my doctor and myself thought they were. If I would of gone here 3-4yrs ago the services would of really helped me however at this stage I need more intensive service to help me with the route of my demons that keep coming back to haunt me. So with that I  knew it was time to go home. I knew there would be someone out there who would benefit more from crisis point than me.
It was a great break to get away to be able to think and look at things from outside my normal surroundings. It was great to reflect however I left feeling worse than I went in because now I have all these unsettling feelings I'm trying to deal with and feel like I'm drowning. Right now I'm very grateful and thankful for a support dad and partner because without them things would be so much worse.

Depression just called

When I wake to see the sunshine through the curtains, I wish my eyes would close tightly shut to bring the darkness back again. Because without the rain and just the clear blue sky's I feel worse there goes another beautiful day to pass me by. I now all I can do is try to sleep it away and hope for darkness later in the day. When the sun is there shining bright in the sky its just a reminder that right now life is just passing me by. Through know fault of my own see depression just phoned and it's taking a bigger hold. I want the rain and dark clouds to reappear that way I know I'm not missing much just out of anxiety and fear mostly out of despair because most of the time I know longer want to be here. See the summer is normally my favourite time of year, filled with love, happiness an so much cheer but right now I just want to fast forward to next year, hopefully then the depression cloud would of cleared, Then I can smile rather than cry because the sunlight Is hurting my eyes. I just want to disappear till the pain and sadness has been replaced again with that sunshine cheer.


The Girl With BPD