But I'm not always the life and soul of the party infact a lot of the time I isolate myself from others in order to stay in my little safe bubble where I can't get hurt. Unless I'm working I'm alone 90% of the time or with my nieces and nephews (family is everything to me). For the past year or so iv thought iv had a grip of my disorder and it's only been the last few weeks iv realised iv got a long way to go.
It all started about 3-4weeks ago (for legal reasons I can't go into but bullies never win), my mood became very low and I became very tired. I didn't go to therapy for two weeks.
It's hard when to the outside world I have to act fine and like I'm ok but inside i have the greatest emptiness that I can't understand why! It's so frustrating. I notice my behaviour changes and I become more out going trying to mask how low I really am. I use the word low as I'm not depressed I just have a low mood.
When I get into a rage I go from fine to evil in 10seconds you would think I was breathing acid it's awful and wrong and as I'm saying things I no it's wrong but wanting a reaction is far more important I need to no someone cares I need to no their not going anywhere.
Having BPD when we rage it goes Into stages
First being we lash out and become uncontrolled with our words or actions till we push the person on the other end to breaking point and they react,
Second we go into soothing mood (pittty and become the victim)
So we then become child like and need looking after we don't feel good enough, we feel disgusted in our actions and will try and do anything to stop the person leaving.
Because after all our biggest fear is being rejected and abandon.
This week my BPD has been so strong. Iv been the biggest bitch. Iv had tantrums, kicked off. I try and manipulate the situation to make me feel better I can't understand why I do these things, But this impulsive feeling I get in my belly feels like a storm is building inside me and it comes out as word vomit. I can go from being fine and excited to as soon as speak to him my mood changes for no reason. I feel like if I'm not a bitch and you go anyway at least I no it's cuz Iv been a twat that you have gone. But I don't want to be like this anymore, it's not fair.
Someone said to me "you have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired before you can get better"
I'm very much past that stage and do all the right things to get help
But my BPD is so not under control yet and I'm so far off being ok as the last few weeks has shown.
The biggest help is knowing my disorder and knowing that this low mood won't last and I'll be fine again.
I don't hide my mental health cuz I'm not ashamed of it #BPDawarenessmonth #BPD #BPDchat
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