I don't wanna feel hated anymore.

Firstly I want to start this blog with a huge thank you to everyone who has read it, reposted it and subscribed , all these people who email me saying how iv helped them you will never know how much that means to me and how much it also helps me in my recovery. You are all literally inspirations to me to keep going.

So thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

Now after that this blog may seem a bit odd, however like many of us who suffer borderline personality disorder I struggle with feeling hated or not liked.

I can't get close to anyone right now as I end up feeling like this, or like I'm still not good enough, even though I am and I know my worth, part of me still is always on egg shells hoping someone doesn't see through me. This is hard to change and I'm struggling with this massively I just never feel like I'm quite enough. This leads me to believe people are lying to me. 

Now this doesn't happen with friends or family so much these days but still happens with others. See its like I'm programme to either not give a fuck or get far to attached, then I feel hated and like my cover has been blown, now this makes no sense to me as I know longer have a front and I'm the real me with everyone. Because of that reason when I then get the cold shoulder it still hurts, it happened just yesterday. That lead me to believe I'm still hated even tho I'm now just me, like The real me isnt worth knowing then that leads me to think has all this work been for nothing all these thoughts lead me to have an anxiety attack.

When someone suffers with BPD as iv said before inconsistent behaviour from anyone does work. It literally sends us crazy and makes us hate ourselves, plus we don't need that we hate ourselves enough (well I used too) I don't need anyone who's actions aren't consistent with their words in my life right now.

It leaves me feeling and going crazy! It makes me guess myself and makes me doubt who I am. I know for sure I didn't work so hard to have that.

I'm not fully recovered from BPD but I'm getting there I just don't need set backs and to feel like I'm hated for a reason I don't understand. Most of all from someone who was a calming influence to you. 

Not everyone is who they say they are we cant control the actions of others. All we can do is control ours, as long as your heart is sincere and genuine you will be okay. Just because someone makes you feel hated that says more about them than it ever will about you.

I seen this quote and its just perfect.

"Your smile is your logo, your personality is your Business card. How you leave others feeling after an interaction becomes your trademark"

This is so true!

We all need to be more mindful of each other. 

Today I woke up and the feeling had gone but I'm still finding myself wondering what I really did wrong.

Love always 

Me xx

Anxiety sucks!

I can't believe I let my anxiety get so bad to the point of I was having mini seizures with attacks. 

I had know clue at the time that they had anything to do with my anxiety I thought I had diabetes or it was my iron levels, it was only when a friend had an anxiety attack I googled their symptoms and realised that I have been having serious anxiety attacks for months and not noticed.

I have been struggling with my anxiety all year, I stopped taking my meds because I thought I was ok and I hate taking medication, I then started to self medicate with weed to stop my anxiety but after a while it stopped working and mad my anxiety worse.

Iv not felt like myself for ages, i hate going out, hate seeing people, hate talking to people. I thought it was because of my BPD recovery and I was finding myself I see now it was all my anxiety. 

Sometimes someone comes along a and inspires you to be an even better person, they just manage to have a soothing positive effect on you. I see a lot of my issues have been because I stopped taking my meds, it's made me into a person I'm not and I know I'm not depressed I know that much. However my anxiety has literally crippled me from life. 

But if one person can inspire you to look at yourself a little deeper and make you see, It's better to shine in darkness than to disappear into it. 

Iv been so scared and terrified about my health when all it was, was my anxiety. I hope now I start to feel like me again but in the meantime it's back to therapy to deal with what's causing this awful anxiety. 

Going to the doctors is the hardest step every single time, however as terrible as it may be it's also the most rewarding thing because you know it can know get better.

Love always 

Me x