What now? I just can't figure it out

So the last 7 days have been hell! Not just for me but for him too. After going into autopilot mode I found myself stood outside his house not a clue how I got there or what I was even going to do! I guess I just needed to see he was in pain too and what we had wasn't fake and that he really did love me, that's true he loved and still loves me he just can't find a way to be with me, he can't handle my BPD like I always new he wouldn't be able too at some points. So we drove around for a long time both very upset we must of cried enough to fill broughton baths! It was clear we was both hurting, I guess I thought if he seen me it would all change and he'd fall back in love with me but this runs deeper than that he doesn't believe I'll ever get better from BPD and I'll have it forever but I won't I will get better people recover from illnesses and I'm telling you now this will not fucking beat me! So after we drove around for a while we went home to his and just held each other lovingly like we did most of the time, I woke up with this big realisation it was still the same he hadn't changed his mind my overdoes and hurting myself was more then he could deal with among other things. The hardest thing was him telling me it was so hard for him to do, how it was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do in his life. I believe him when he says that because Iv never seen anyone in so much pain at not being able to be with the person he loved most in the world but he had to put himself first. When he was on his way to drop me off to come home noticed he'd gone the long way and not the normal way I new in my head this was so people didn't see me with him for the first time I felt like he was ashamed of me and hated me that much he had to hide me like a dirty secret like i wasn't the girl he loved I was just some cheap slag he'd just met. After speaking it turned out hed lied to me about something I thought I was being paranoid about well that lie ended my 2years 3months n 17days since my last outburst, I lost it! The rage in me I was holding onto came out over a massive 6hour tournament of me lashing out at him. I won't write here what happened as I'm ashamed of myself for it Im truly sorry for my actions it wasn't me and was out of character and I wouldn't want him to be embarrassed or ashamed but what I will say is he was a perfect gentleman and didn't react to anything I did and I thank him for that. Iv not been this low in so long but I know I have to get better for me. I will recover from this illness I didn't ask for it I will beat it! I'm just so lost right now I don't no what I'm meant to do next. Right now I'm alone but that's for the best I need to be able I'll get better in my own time, everyone in recovery falls at some point I guess this is my fall. I never meant to hurt anyone Iv hurt myself and let myself down. Right now I'm just low and  facing new days scares me but I'm getting the right help. BPD is a struggle but this is my struggle. I just have to take one day at a time. I will beat this disorder and I will prove to myself I am worth it. Right now I just hate myself and don't see any light at the end of it all. 

What now? I just can't figure it out