Marshmallow head

So the more the weeks go by the more I understand my BPD disorder but I still don't find the answers to stop my thoughts, feelings and emotions. By this I mean to think "normal" and not cloud my feelings and thoughts with a fairytale I may want. Like everyone I want to be loved and fall in love. But my feelings become so intensive and impulsive that I find it very hard to realise what's real and what's fake. My BPD makes me very all or nothing. I'm like most other girls I want the fairy tale ending but having someone in my life is hard I get scared and feel very vulnerable my fear is that when I say goodbye I'll near see that person again and I'll go back to being that little 3/4/5 year old girl waiting all dressed up at the window for her mum to come and take her out like she promised she would (she only ever showed up once in all the times she promised) 

It's very easy for me to make a perfect picture up in my head of what's going to happen and how things are going to be iv done it my whole life pretending Whitney Huston was my mum and she was to busy being a star to be my mummy right now.

This then gives people unrealistic goals to live up to. How is anyone going to live up to a goal iv made up in my head and never told anyone about? They can't!!

But I can't understand why they can't like why can't they read my mind? Why don't they think the same as me? Because not everyone is like me. My BPD makes all these emotions so intense and so strong and trying to think about them and make sense of them is hard as it just feels like my head is full of marshmallows. 

The biggest saying of my life is 

"My love doesn't scare me other peoples love scares" 

By that I mean it's so easy to control my feelings but I can't control someone else's and after all everyone who has meant to love me in my life has let me down (apart from my dad).

Sometimes I think is it a bad thing for people to fall in love with me? Like why do people do all my triggers? Like lie or brake promises? 

People make promises all the time and then turn around and brake them. 

I don't understand why people don't views things how I do or see things in black and white like I do?

So right now I'm trying to figure out what's real and made up and how I deal with this. I never really like to ask questions because I'm scared of the answers or don't want to seem a weirdo. But I need people to be straight with me and when I feel like their not I second guess what they think and feel and then start doubting myself. I just want to be able to think like everyone else and not get these intense feelings I can't understand.

Guess I don't really no what I'm trying to say as I'm still struggling  with my BPD but as I can view these things clearly I must be getting better right? 

My BPD struggle...

So a lot of you know me for either makeup, modelling, being on TV or being a full on gobshite funny cow...

But I'm not always the life and soul of the party infact a lot of the time I isolate myself from others in order to stay in my little safe bubble where I can't get hurt. Unless I'm working I'm alone 90% of the time or with my nieces and nephews (family is everything to me). For the past year or so iv thought iv had a grip of my disorder and it's only been the last few weeks iv realised iv got a long way to go. 

It all started about 3-4weeks ago (for legal reasons I can't go into but bullies never win), my mood became very low and I became very tired. I didn't go to therapy for two weeks.

It's hard when to the outside world I have to act fine and like I'm ok but inside i have the greatest emptiness that I can't understand why! It's so frustrating. I notice my behaviour changes and I become more out going trying to mask how low I really am. I use the word low as I'm not depressed I just have a low mood.

 When I get into a rage I go from fine to evil in 10seconds you would think I was breathing acid it's awful and wrong and as I'm saying things I no it's wrong but wanting a reaction is far more important I need to no someone cares I need to no their not going anywhere. 

Having BPD when we rage it goes Into stages 

First being we lash out and become uncontrolled with our words or actions till we push the person on the other end to breaking point and they react,

Second we go into soothing mood (pittty and become the victim)

So we then become child like and need looking after we don't feel good enough, we feel disgusted in our actions and will try and do anything to stop the person leaving.

Because after all our biggest fear is being rejected and abandon.

This week my BPD has been so strong. Iv been the biggest bitch. Iv had tantrums, kicked off. I try and manipulate the situation to make me feel better I can't understand why I do these things,  But this impulsive feeling I get in my belly feels like a storm is building inside me and it comes out as word vomit. I can go from being fine and excited to as soon as speak to him my mood changes for no reason. I feel like if I'm not a bitch and you go anyway at least I no it's cuz Iv been a twat that you have gone. But I don't want to be like this anymore, it's not fair.

Someone said to me "you have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired before you can get better"

I'm very much past that stage and do all the right things to get help

But my BPD is so not under control yet and I'm so far off being ok as the last few weeks has shown. 

The biggest help is knowing my disorder and knowing that this low mood won't last and I'll be fine again.

I don't hide my mental health cuz I'm not ashamed of it  #BPDawarenessmonth #BPD #BPDchat