This is not fucking me!!

The worst thing about depression and having BPD is i no its not the person I am! I'm not an angry aggressive person. I'm not cold or cruel or mean, I wouldn't hurt someone for the sake of it. I'd give anyone anything I could or help anyone even if they had done me wrong. That's why it frustrates me so much when I rage and i let my disorder get the better of me because it's not the real me. I'm loving and caring I'm so soft and gentle I just suffer from BPD maybe that's why after Iv had an outburst of rage it hits me so hard and I get so depressed because I know it's not the real me or who Id ever want to be. I get so ashamed and depressed after a rage I hate myself and think everyone hates me to, I feel like Iv left myself down and I end up hurting myself more. I need to get over this disorder I refuse to let it beat me or define me as a person! But I still need help. It's been so long since I was last like this it's just really effecting me. I never feel like self harming or killing myself but right now I do. I just feel like Iv hurt everyone and I never want to hurt anyone I love, care about or a person who was nice too me. I need to get past this I just feel so bad. This isn't me I'm happy I smile I laugh Im a smart arse with a big gob! I need me back.