How wrong I was..

So this last week went from amazing to the worst. From planning my home with the man who seemed to love me more than anything in the world to ending up in hospital trying to take my own life and looking round and being alone all over again. As iv expressed before in blogs I get triggers and become very insulting and nasty yes I try so hard to control this, these days but I'm not perfect and I have a long way to go. I got wrapped up in my world becoming perfect and everything I ever wanted but how wrong was I. Letting someone into my home and safe space was a massive thing for me iv not let anyone into my private special place for a very long time and if I'm honest I wasn't ready too I was no were near ready to let someone into my bed and my bubble that's always been just me my place when I'm low and depressed that's my place to shut the world out, but I felt like I needed to I mean I was loved and adored and I really believed this was the one man who was never going to leave me or let down and who I never doubted when he said he loved me and promised me so much, maybe I was wrong for believing my life  would have a happy ending and I'd get everything I dreamed of. Letting him into my home was the start of the end for us, I was very off and snappy and I felt threatened and vulnerable I tried to be as normal as I could be and tried being how we normally was but inside I was scared and panicking about me doing this final step and letting someone into the last closed door of me. I tried to forget but I couldn't and these feelings where still there till I picked something I could explode at and go into a rage about and I did saying the normal things I know would get a reaction and I got one the reaction I didn't won't it was finally one rage to much and he told me he didn't want me anymore hearing the words I feared so much had finally been said, I went into over drive and tried taking my life, it was very stupid but my anxiety got the better of me. Spending a few days in hospital alone has made me realise I wasn't loved It was pity He never could of loved me to leave me alone like this to not speak to me and ignore me, this isn't acts of the man I fell in love with. I don't no what love is but its not that. Being with anyone who has BPD is hard but I was honest and always told him how hard it could be, that doesn't excuse the things I said I no I was wrong like I always am. But what do I do now? How do I cope with this? How do I handle the fact I'm scared of never loving anyone that much again? What about all the plans we had? Most people get with someone and its all amazing for the first year being with someone like me is different to that its hard at first but gets better, well I hope it does iv never had anyone stick around long enough for me to know.

I'm very lost right now and I don't know how I'm meant to be or what to do. All I know is everything I thought I had was fake I wasn't loved and adored like I really thought I was but how stupid of me to ever really believed I was anyway.

I really do believe that people with my disorder are only ever loved for a short time and not very long at all.

What makes this so worse is Id wouldn't want to be with someone like me who is how I am, so I can't blame him for not wanting to stick around because I wouldn't of.

My progress letter..

 Yesterday was my final session of therapy for a while. I now have to face the wild on my own and I'm so ready for it. As from my last blog my goodbye letter my therapist Clive also wrote me follow how he thought therapy had been for me and my progress the letter can be found below..

After I read my letter out to Clive he told me how my letter was the most honest and powerful letter he had ever heard and how my honesty made he nearly cry at one point.

I'll always speak from the heart.. 

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My goodbye letter..

I can't believe I'm writing this letter and today is my final therapy session. I'm so different to the scared little girl that walked in that door the one that was so Hungary to get better! I always new there was something more wrong with me then just being depressed I'm so glad I kept fighting to find out what was really wrong with me, finding out I had BPD was the start of this whole journey when the doctor told me I felt the biggest weight be lifted from my shoulders but I new that was only the start. When I first found out I had to come to therapy every week I was scared of digging up things from my past that I wasn't ready to but I new the me that wanted to control my illness and get better was stronger. Coming to see Clive every week has helped me so much when we first started I wasn't talking to my mum and coming to here has helped me maintain a relationship with her and be able to speak to her in a way I never thought possible,  it's helped me find ways of dealing with my rages and outburst and help me not get caught up in my world wind of emotions and to be able to step back and not get pulled into theses feelings. It may of taken 27years but iv learned to think before I bloody speak! It's so hard to write how therapy has been for me because it's been amazing I never once got up and walked out I sat and faced every demand I had face on even tho sometimes it was the hardest thing to do. Iv been able to but so many things to bed and realise that my early stages in my life wasn't my fault and I was just a little girl who had bad things happen to her and to be able to expect this has been the thing I'm so proud of myself for. I never thought I'd find ways to cope but writing my blog and giving myself head space has been a massive influence in this whole thing. Having a safe space to be able to come and speak about all things that are in my head without feeling like I'm going to be judge or say the wrong thing. I'm so glad I had Clive to go on this journey with coming to see him each week to see someone who's understanding and who tells me how awful things must have been for me and who praised me when I made massive steps forward I'm so thankful for. I never wanted to let me down but I never wanted to let him as well because from that first day I walked thru the door you've been my biggest support and I thank you. Being able to learn and realise I'm not unloveable and have been able to open up to someone and let him into my life and to see the real me and not let my feelings or BPD take over 100% but only 40% is so overwhelming I never thought I'd find someone and let them love me for me and therapy has helped me do that. 

I was very scared of this moment a few weeks ago and I didn't want therapy to end but I'm ready I'm ready to face my life and remove the safety net and step out of my bubble.

I'm so excited for my future my darks days aren't as many and my rainbow days are more and I thank myself for that, everyone always said I was strong and now I feel it.

So with my head held high i guess it's time to say thank you and goodbye 

X

Hope..

Hope..

When you suffer from any disorder or illness or anything you really want is life all you really have is HOPE.

A small word four letters but a massive meaning. 

I know that suffering from BPD all we really have in life is hope, we hope we get better, we hope to not be rejected, we hope we aren't abandoned, we hope to be loved, we hope it gets easier, we hope someone will really stick around.

If I didn't have hope I don't think I'd still be here today, every person I met I hope this time it will be different may that be a friendship or partner. I hope every day gets easier I hope that this will be day my BPD ain't bad anymore.

Without we have very little it's a massive part of anyone's life but I a huge part of mine. I really hope that one day these big hopes are swapped with small hopes.

I'll always hope and dream of better.

But who will ever take the chance on me?

So this week has been really hard for me and my BPD has been in full effect with good reason I may add. 

Before I ever get involved with anyone I'm honest and open about my disorder and what comes with it, everyone always thinks and feels no I'll be ok and will beg and plead with me till I finally take a chance on them, even tho I'll state it's going to end in my tears! It's like I feel I have to put myself out there to prove a point to them and myself. The point to them is I told you how it would be and how I am and the point to me is that I new it would never be different, yes a part of me always hopes that it will be different, cuz if I don't have hope I don't have a lot. This week iv been pushed to my limits I really did think that I'd found someone who really was understanding and I really believed in maybe that's why it's hits me so hard. 

It all started with a comment about how everyone runs away and I should be lucky how he hadn't, now that's not me quoting him but that's what I heard. I have a disorder that fears rejection and abandonment and even tho I know he didn't mean it in any bad way the that's the way I heard it and most BPD suffers would of seen it the same.  Since then iv been so low and depressed how could someone say that to me to try and keep hold of me and make me think know one else will ever want me so I better settle now, this has been my thought progress. Iv had people get involved and look down at me because the person who said it has a "heart of gold" that maybe but feeling ganged up on wasn't helping me get over this. Before I got involved I spoke to my therapist about my fears of letting someone in and one of them was a massive set back I didn't want to go back to the place I was 2yrs ago and that's just what has happened. The pain iv felt took me back to thoughts of Suicide and self harm anything to take the feelings away have been so powerful and overwhelming, iv not had these feelings in so long. I only ever want to be happy and make people happy, I treat people how I want to be treated. It was clear this was going to happen after a high created by someone else there is always a low to follow. I was told I can't spend my full life rejecting men, this is so far from the truth but some people will always only see the side to the person who means the most I understand that. I haven't ever rejected anyone I can't because I hate it happening to me. Yes I have BPD and I own that but I deal with it the way I act sometimes is very much out of my control even tho I mange my own BPD better then most people. This week has been hard and my biggest low in a very long time! But things have planned out just how I new they would. The thing with BPD suffers is we know how things will work out yes we hope and believe things will be different this time they always pan out the same. 

I was never good enough anyway I'm now left hurt, feeling like iv let myself down, isolated, cut off and run down. All because I gave someone the chance they begged me for but when will someone take a real chance on me?

xxx

Why do people always try and be different?

People always get involved with me thinking they will be different or they can be the one to fix me. I'm very clear and honest with my BPD and explain what I'm like my moods how I act but hay everyone thinks there a knight in shining armer when in all honesty most of the time they are pricks in tin foil. It's hard when I tell anyone it's going to end in tears and them tears will be mine not theirs. I mean iv spent most of my life trying to get people to fall in love with me or just stick around. The thing with BPD suffers out biggest fear is rejection and being abandon everyone who has ever meant to care or love us from a young age has always left us. So letting people in is very hard but we do because we crave and want to be loved more then anything in the world. Our issue is we have triggers and them triggers set out a massive explosion of emotions whatever it by be something as simple as someone reminding us know one sticks around ever, uses the words fuck up in a sentence or dropping the fact we have a disorder to try and get the point across they need to make. Being involved with anyone with BPD it could be your mam, child, sibling, friend or partner it will often feel like your walking on egg shells and not knowing what to say or do right. The thing with that is I think do not be so insensitive in the first place here's an example: 

Would you say to someone with one leg you can't do that your a cripple?

No because it's insensitive, so why say something that's so raw to someone else? Just because you don't see the issue doesn't mean it ain't real. 

It's a struggle to live in mind space of someone with BPD or any mental illness. I'm fed up of living with this now I want to be better! I'm so proud of me for where I have came in the last year with my disorder and I'm glad I'm strong enough to face my demons I don't hide from them or run from them I face them. I just don't like how my mind works and makes me react to things or how it makes things hurt me to the point I cut off from people. I feel like I let someone get close and they judge me, they talk about me to others or just laugh at me. Yes I want someone to understand and be caring but I do not want someone who uses things to hurt me or against me.

Every time I think I have control and a handle on it something comes along to remind me I really don't. I'm glad about that because one day I'll look around and be happy and think 'wow iv not had a trigger for a while' everyone I let in even for just a short time makes me realise that triggers happen a lot less and how I'm able to talk them down and not get sucked into them for that I'm proud. I just really wish people would stop trying to fix me and impress me.

xxx

It's never to late to leave.

As a lot of you may have watched murdered by my boyfriend last week on bbc3, it was on again tonight and I decided to give it another watch, as when I watch these sorts of thing because of past experiences I shut off to the violence. The first time I watched it I didn't cry or feel many emotions the emotions I did feel was anger how another person can get into someone's head and manipulate them to the point they feel hopeless to leave. Iv always said I'd rather take a beating than someone play mind games and mess with my own thought process.

That's the hardest part to ever get over bruises fade, bones heal and blood can be wiped away like know trace of what has happened even did, but someone messing with your mind is so much harder to deal with.

I'm now living with a disorder due to people in my past playing with my emotions and mind. 

My self like many women and men have been there and it's so hard to escape. I'm one of the lucky ones who new enough was enough. Maybe I should of left early but the beatings from an ex parter wasn't like the ones I got as child. 

I was born in the late 80s raised in the 90s a little slap on the legs or a cross the face was nothing and 9/10 I needed and deserved them little hits here and there. These little slaps soon turned into big beatings like you'd beat a grown up when I reached 7. I was seen as a naughty child, I wasn't I was just a 7 year old dealing with the fact her mum didn't want her all the family she had ever new had left and she had been told she was going on holiday to never to return home again at the age of 4 going on 5. Id act up for attention and kick off this was the start of my BPD. I remember the first time I got hit it was to my bottom and was with a slipper then the slipper changed to a cane to a belt to a foot in the tummy of a primary school child who couldn't understand why she was being punished because she had hit a boy at school I was only coping what I new. When you do wrong you smacked. The years went by the beatings got worse to the point where once one of the worse times I was beaten so much on the hand with a belt that my hand tripled in size all for telling the truth and not being believed the only way the beating was going to stop was by lying and saying I had done something I hadn't. It all got to much and by the time I hit high school I ran away because I couldn't take any more of the abuse I couldn't understand how the person who was meant to love me in the whole world was doing this to me I was only ever being a kid. Yes I was gobby and loud but I'm the same now guess that's just me but as an 11 year old child I was taken back there was know place for me and I didn't want to get anyone in trouble.  I was awoken by yet another slap to the face I'll never forget the slaps over and over and over till I looked like 2 face from batman. That was the last beating I ever got as a child I guess something had twigged that it was wrong and I was never hit again. I soon left and put myself into care where I stayed till I was old enough to leave. My first adult relationship wasn't that great but this time it was mental abuse and physical. It was hard I had know one or any place to go, I'm not saying I didn't give as good as I got sometimes because I did. Exs have had me by the wall pulled my hair dragged me down stairs because I had lost a child. The most awful stuff. But in glad And proud of myself to know when that all this is wrong and getting up and leaving. So many children, women and men go through this it's wrong and shouldn't happen. The poor girl on murder by my boyfriend had rang the police several times and nothing was done till she was dead. In that time another 200+ women lost there life. It isn't just women who stuffer this abuse men do too and it's wrong what ever side it comes from.

What I'm trying to say is if I get go through all this and come out ok and so many others can you can too. Words may hurt and play with how think and feel. But please leave stand on your own and one day you will look back and realise the problem lay with them not you. I hope the show opens eyes and makes people stand up and pay attention.

Abuse is wrong mental, physical, sexual any sort of abuse is wrong.

xxx