My Sam Smith moment.
Sam Smiths new album the thrill of it all came out on Friday. I had to listen to it right away. On the album is a song called midnight train.
First few lines is
‘I choose me And I know that's selfish, love You are a dream And I can't thank you enough’
And it literally put everything Iv learn into place like a big puzzle. So it got me here to this point...
For a few weeks now Iv wanted to get my feelings out but have struggled to. Luckily for me I remembered how much blogging really helps me exchange thoughts to words.
A little back story I think is needed to help get everyone up-to spend.
I first fell in love with D (well use that instead of his name) 10years ago when I was 20 and he was 17 I first seen this person with the most amazing blue eyes and cheeky smile. I new from that moment he would be a huge part of my life. We have always loved each other so much if anything to much at times. That time it lasted just under a year. To say me and D have been on and off in these 10yr but it was always him. I mean I can’t write 10yrs of love because it’s a lot to tell, but for me it was never not love we just had to do our own journeys for a while. So we could reconnect when we both needed each other. We have always had this bond that’s always going to in some ways. So the reason I finally had to say enough was enough I couldn’t be his human army anymore he’d knocked each solider down but by bit. D never did anything to what iv done to others take all my pain and suffering out on others and that’s what all this has showed me. That maybe people left me not because they didn’t love me but because they just had to put them first. I notice it’s hard for someone to actually put up with so much pain and anger about things in life and know you understand those feelings so I did everything I never wanted anyone to do to me. I never wanted to be that person who left someone when they clearly still needed them. But maybe that’s it the lesson I thought in that moment, it was me I needed to be needed and when I wasn’t needed anymore I new it had came to a natural end for me. I’d love him with every solider in my army teaching him life lessons he’s missed most of his life because he’s been lost. The last 19 months have been hard work for not just me but for him as well this time has showed us both lessons we needed to learn to be able to move on to be the people we want to be. It’s not all been bad times but there has been to many than needed. When I’d came to sort of acknowledgement from my past not fully forging but to understand that’s my past and I can only use it to help me in a positive way. So when D was going through all these feelings it was easy to understand because I’d been there where he is and because I loved him so much I just wanted to help get rid of some of his pain. Now all this would come after days of him shouting at me ‘he didn’t love me, he hated me’ that’s also with him going missing for days. It wasn’t because he wanted to hurt me it’s because he wanted to hurt himself being pushing me away because he doesn’t want me to be another person who lets him down. I got his behaviour I’d done all the same things. I can only reassure him at them moments that I’m not everyone else. I mean that’s all I genuinely ever wanted anyone to do to me. Things started getting better and we fell more in love than ever this was a different kind of love though than before, It had to be though I said yes to marrying him.
I’ll never forget the first time when I told him I loved him he said ‘I know you’ this feeling just came over me and I new he loved me because he finally trusted.
That didn’t last long he got us both into a very stressful time because of his actions because of his personality disorder. Came back the outburst and me having to clam him down again while bottling everything up. He couldn’t be there for me he had to be there for himself. He ended up going away again but this time for a long time. My world fell apart I didn’t no what to do I’ve had worst Anitexy since this and really bad depression all this has leading me to get to the point where Iv had to just say that’s it I love you but I can’t take anymore I can’t do this anymore I don’t even know how I am anymore. I lost who I was because of stress and lies and more lies with being sneaky leaving me when I needed him the most or the times he’s been in my face. Iv not be angel far from it. Iv been angry with him to however i was angry at how he treated me it things that he’s said or done, that not an excuse. We had a very loving at times amazing relationships were wed laugh and act silly or doing them things like dancing in your kitchen or bedroom of how well dance at our wedding or sit getting to know each other talking until we fell a sleep. But on the other side it was toxic it was awful for us but I’d take the pain from D to. I had to forget about my feelings because he needed me. With the stress and strain on our relationship seen as he’s gone away for a long time. Things got worse he started tearing me bad again after spending so much time working on his self. I wanted to walk away then but I couldn’t leave him now he needed me and I needed him I loved him so much I just wanted to help him cope and stop him hurting. I needed him to understand it was going to be ok it wasn’t his fault. I needed to still love him. Then it changed back to bad again and this time it went bad over 8months and I finally had enough. I couldn’t question his loyalty over Me anymore, I couldn’t burn myself again because I had exploded and needed to get out the bottled up tension. I just wasn’t willing to do it anymore. I had to walk away for my own mental health and to be me again. I know he loves me very much and I’ll love him always. Iv not walked away because I didn’t love him Iv had to walk away because I can’t take anymore I’m finished the army is gone and I’m stood here alone. But I’m liking this feeling I’m feeling strong for the first time in ages. It’s time iv done all I can he doesn’t need me anymore I can go now he’ll be ok. Kind of like Mary Poppins I only stayed until he didn’t need me anymore. He had learned his lessons and iv learned mine. It was time to finally say good bye. Iv loved him for so long it’s my greatest and hardest love Iv had in my life. He understands why iv got to get in with my life now and he needs to carry on finding himself alone. I simply left my borderline personality couldn’t take anymore and once my mental health came into it again I new I couldn’t go back.
Iv learned a lot of lessons more than I ever thought I’d learned.
So that takes me back to the start we ending with the lyrics that finally piece of the puzzle into place.
‘I got my reasons But darling I can't explain I'll always love you
But tonight's the night I choose to walk away’
Lots of love
The Girl With BPD.
Ps take a listen to Sam Smiths new album.. http://samsmith.world/TTOIATW
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