So after a year of learning about me and finding myself, all while fighting my BPD that I now no is an anxiety disorder, that makes it easier to deal with, because I know that anxiety is just stuff your mind makes up to scare you.
Yes it may have taken me a long time to see that but I now do.
Anyway back to what this blog is really about inspiration, we all want to inspire someone, don't we?
I only started being honest and open about my feelings when I wanted to help others. After I was told I had BPD I felt so alone and, even more like know one would ever stay with me now. It made me very angry and upset that I had this disorder because of people who where meant to love, care and protect me, however nearly 4years after being told I had BPD, the last year has been my hardest but my most eye opening and inspiring to myself let alone anyone else. It's been one struggle after another but so so worth it! I feel now I'm in a place where I see things so much different in not angry at my past yes I'm still angry these things happened to me but I'm not angry at the wrong people I'm angry at the people who let me down when they weren't meant too.
From as far back as I can remember I can remember doing all these things I didn't no how to stop or it was the only way I'd get attention I craved, you see when you are a baby you just trust the people who are meant to look out for you now I didn't have that I was born on a summers day in June I came into the world screaming and spent pretty much all my life screaming on the inside and showing it as anger from the outside, I was born to a mother who wanted to love me so much but because of her own demands in life couldn't do that so she neglected me and rejected me, I was sent to live with her mother who abused her power of trust and let men abuse me as long as she was kept sweet or the time she was scared that if go to live with my mum again and her abuse plans would fail she punched me in the face, then there was the uncle I thought loved me but was giving me calpol at night to knock out, to do what ever. That was all before I was 4 then I was told I was going on a holiday but never went home this was because i was getting to old and started talking about my abuse so I was dumped again.
I was a little girl at 4 who was scared I can still remember the feelings I had as I was taking away I new I'd never see them again and that's pretty much what happened.
This is when my behaviour started when I was put into care I just didn't understand why all this happened to me and I just wanted to go home.
I spent most my time in foster homes with other kids. I was starved in one place and then was moved to another where I would stay till I was 7.
From there I went home but not to my home to live with my dad a man that scared me and frightened me, to another city where I knew I had know one, this didn't go to well and I was physically abused for years the type of beatings know child should ever get that has left me with physical damage, I put myself back into care at 12, because I wouldn't face it anymore.
My disorder was already in full effect by the time I ran away at 15 back to Manchester. So 13 years ago I was a 15 year old with her life a head of her who followed her heart for a man who would also be abusive and break my trust.
I ended up homeless, in a city I didn't know anymore but I did no it was home and where I was meant to be.
From one bad relationship to the other that ended in 2009 after I lost my child and my ex dragged me down stairs and outside, this was the last time I ever let a man abuse me. I mad a promise to me and child that I had to change my life for the better, it may not be amazing but compared to how it was before this i couldn't ask for much more.
With the years that followed not being the best either but by this point I was in self destruct mode and would ruin everything that I came into contact with, with hard relationships with family, friends and partners. I was always mad at the wrong people, it was always the people who just wanted to love me and help me I would lash out at causing all sorts of damage along the way but even more damage to myself because after all, that was all I ever wanted was to be loved. I should of been angry at the people who had let me down and hurt me this was hard as one of them was all I ever really had. I've spent my whole life alone I used to find it very difficult to be me till 12 months ago when all that changed, I finally started to see what love really was (even tho my vision wasn't a great one) it took the break down of my most important relationship to make me see that I really needed to change so this last year while dealing with a broken heart after my mental breakdown, I did just that (and I'm still learning), I still get awful low points but they're low points because I finally at 28 I'm showing the world the girl I always kept hidden, the one I'd only let certain people see then would get angry because of it.
I'm still on a journey but I see light at the end of tunnel I have 2 demands left to face the biggest and hardest ones, however this doesn't scare me it inspires me to get up every day and, not let anyone else or my behaviour ruin anymore of my life because of them
If I can face all this and more then so can you, life is hard it's a really struggle however if you don't struggle how are you meant to learn how are you meant evolve? If I manage to inspire someone not to give up because I never did and never will that my mark will be left on this world as long as it's left inside someone's heart..
You are amazing and it may get worse before it gets better but it will get better. I'm glad I started this Journey, it's made me calmer and more relaxed about all the things I used to be so scared of,
After all it's mostly in our minds and we are the masters of our own thoughts.
Until next time
Xxx
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