Knowing the person I am now, is very different than the person I was. Now I sat on these feelings for a very long time but was triggered again the other day, the past emotions didn't effect me but what did effect me was yet another person made me feel like yet again I'm not worth apologising to.
I was brought up to know if you done wrong, upset or hurt someone and you was in the wrong then you say sorry and mean it sincerely.
Now it seems I am an exception to this rule but I refuse to let it carry on, I am sensitive these days now the wall has gone. Were as before anything that pissed me off would have my back up and I'd start with my acid mouth, but these days that just isn't me at all, I'll think and look at the situation before I give in and say my piece but these days it's not if I'm offended or lashing out if I have something to say it's not just for the hell of it! These days I'm to chilled to start kicking and screaming it drains you.
However this has been going on my whole life I don't think anyone who has ever harmed, hurt or let me down has ever said sorry and I'm so fast to just forgive people (well I was) see these days I'm not desperate to be loved or wanted just to feel normal.
I feel that BPD suffers let people get away with hurting them, because they feel so worthless and craved to be loved that we feel it's ok for people to treat us badly because that is all we have ever know. There is a method in that, I always pretty much let men do what they wish if we are being sexual, this is because I spent so many years being abused that sex is like a punishment. This would of been my first interaction with men when I was bing abused so in my head it's always just been ok for men to hurt me and make me sad and not say anything about it. So from a young age I learnt that when people hurt me they don't say sorry but when I'm wrong I must say sorry. It was confusing to me because when children my own age did something wrong to me I'd hit out and, think that it was ok because that's what I was shown.
But now I'm 28 and I have got to the stage in my life that i think fuck that!
If anyone upsets me I'll tell them, see the difference is these days if I have something to say it's generally because it's hurt me not because I'm being defensive, it's because it's a genuine feeling I have, and trust me someone who has BPD knowing there feelings is a huge deal I now know mine and my voice now matches my heart not my head.
I am a person to, who when she is wrong I will say I'm sorry till I am blue in the face, I hope that one day people say sorry for all they did to me, I don't hold grudges and I have forgiven so many people even tho they have never asked for forgiveness I have always gave it to them. I don't understand why sorry is such a hard word to say, people say 'I love you' more than "I'm sorry"
There will be a day when people see that my past behaviour as an adult has been out of my control and I am sorry about how I have behaved in the past and I will never go back to the old me! I mean how could I Iv dealt with a lot however, in 2015 I am an adult who has adult relationship either it be a friend or partner and it's on acceptable to do me a wrong and not think I won't pull you up for up. I have feelings too just like everyone else, that doesn't mean I should be treated like less of a person because I suffer from a disorder that now hardly effects me.
BPDs remember that we are people too and just like others set Boundaries for us we also need to set them ourselves for others.
Speak soon
Me x
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