Midnight Train.

My Sam Smith moment.

Sam Smiths new album the thrill of it all came out on Friday. I had to listen to it right away. On the album is a song called midnight train.

First few lines is 

‘I choose me And I know that's selfish, love You are a dream And I can't thank you enough’

And it literally put everything Iv learn into place like a big puzzle. So it got me here to this point...

For a few weeks now Iv wanted to get my feelings out but have struggled to. Luckily for me I remembered how much blogging really helps me exchange thoughts to words. 

A little back story I think is needed to help get everyone up-to spend.

I first fell in love with D (well use that instead of his name) 10years ago when I was 20 and he was 17 I first seen this person with the most amazing blue eyes and cheeky smile. I new from that moment he would be a huge part of my life. We have always loved each other so much if anything to much at times. That time it lasted just under a year. To say me and D have been on and off in these 10yr but it was always him. I mean I can’t write 10yrs of love because it’s a lot to tell, but for me it was never not love we just had to do our own journeys for a while. So we could reconnect when we both needed each other. We have always had this bond that’s always going to in some ways. So the reason I finally had to say enough was enough I couldn’t be his human army anymore he’d knocked each solider down but by bit. D never did anything to what iv done to others take all my pain and suffering out on others and that’s what all this has showed me. That maybe people left me not because they didn’t love me but because they just had to put them first. I notice it’s hard for someone to actually put up with so much pain and anger about things in life and know you understand those feelings so I did everything I never wanted anyone to do to me. I never wanted to be that person who left someone when they clearly still needed them. But maybe that’s it the lesson I thought in that moment, it was me I needed to be needed and when I wasn’t needed anymore I new it had came to a natural end for me. I’d love him with every solider in my army teaching him life lessons he’s missed most of his life because he’s been lost. The last 19 months have been hard work for not just me but for him as well this time has showed us both lessons we needed to learn to be able to move on to be the people we want to be. It’s not all been bad times but there has been to many than needed. When I’d came to sort of acknowledgement from my past not fully forging but to understand that’s my past and I can only use it to help me in a positive way. So when D was going through all these feelings it was easy to understand because I’d been there where he is and because I loved him so much I just wanted to help get rid of some of his pain. Now all this would come after days of him shouting at me  ‘he didn’t love me, he hated me’ that’s also with him going missing for days. It wasn’t because he wanted to hurt me it’s because he wanted to hurt himself being pushing me away because he doesn’t want me to be another person who lets him down. I got his behaviour I’d done all the same things. I can only reassure him at them moments that I’m not everyone else. I mean that’s all I genuinely ever wanted anyone to do to me. Things started getting better and we fell more in love than ever this was a different kind of love though than before, It had to be though I said yes to marrying him. 

I’ll never forget the first time when I told him I loved him he said ‘I know you’ this feeling just came over me and I new he loved me because he finally trusted. 

That didn’t last long he got us both into a very stressful time because of his actions because of his personality disorder. Came back the outburst and me having to clam him down again while bottling everything up. He couldn’t be there for me he had to be there for himself. He ended up going away again but this time for a long time. My world fell apart I didn’t no what to do I’ve had worst Anitexy since this and really bad depression all this has leading me to get to the point where Iv had to just say that’s it I love you but I can’t take anymore I can’t do this anymore I don’t even know how I am anymore. I lost who I was because of stress and lies and more lies with being sneaky leaving me when I needed him the most or the times he’s been in my face. Iv not be angel far from it. Iv been angry with him to however i was angry at how he treated me it things that he’s said or done, that not an excuse. We had a very loving at times amazing relationships were wed laugh and act silly or doing them things like dancing in your kitchen or bedroom of how well dance at our wedding or sit getting to know each other talking until we fell a sleep. But on the other side it was toxic it was awful for us but I’d take the pain from D to. I had to forget about my feelings because he needed me. With the stress and strain on our relationship seen as he’s gone away for a long time. Things got worse he started tearing me bad again after spending so much time working on his self. I wanted to walk away then but I couldn’t leave him now he needed me and I needed him I loved him so much I just wanted to help him cope and stop him hurting. I needed him to understand it was going to be ok it wasn’t his fault. I needed to still love him. Then it changed back to bad again and this time it went bad over 8months and I finally had enough. I couldn’t question his loyalty over Me anymore, I couldn’t burn myself again because I had exploded and needed to get out the bottled up tension. I just wasn’t willing to do it anymore. I had to walk away for my own mental health and to be me again. I know he loves me very much and I’ll love him always. Iv not walked away because I didn’t love him Iv had to walk away because I can’t take anymore I’m finished the army is gone and I’m stood here alone. But I’m liking this feeling I’m feeling strong for the first time in ages. It’s time iv done all I can he doesn’t need me anymore I can go now he’ll be ok. Kind of like Mary Poppins I only stayed until he didn’t need me anymore. He had learned his  lessons and iv learned mine. It was time to finally say good bye. Iv loved him for so long it’s my greatest and hardest love Iv had in my life. He understands why iv got to get in with my life now and he needs to carry on finding himself alone. I simply left my borderline personality couldn’t take anymore and once my mental health came into it again I new I couldn’t go back.

Iv learned a lot of lessons more than I ever thought I’d learned. 

So that takes me back to the start we ending with the lyrics that finally piece of the puzzle into place. 

‘I got my reasons But darling I can't explain I'll always love you

But tonight's the night I choose to walk away’

Lots of love

The Girl With BPD.

Ps take a listen to Sam Smiths new album..  http://samsmith.world/TTOIATW

My mad fat diary rethink

So it's been mental health awareness week this week and I started watching E4 smash cult tv show My Mad Fat dairy. 

Watching it again after all I have been through and being hospitalised, I now see it all in a different light then I did before it was more raw and touching for me this time I understand it so much more.

Okay I'll be honest I only wanted to watch it at first for a fix of Fin because let's be honest 1, @NicoMirallegro is an amazing actor 2, he's bloody amazing to look at.

I may of started to watch it again to get a fix of the hunk however in the end it has done me and my journey the Rae Earl of good. Last year was really hard for me I was sectioned and had a lot of dark times, I still am having these Dark times but rewatching this made me see how far Iv came and how strong Iv been. 

Living with a wide range of mental health disorders since such as borderline personality disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, generalised anxiety and depression. It's very hard to sometimes keep a grip on things let alone able to do things on a daily basis when you are like myself mental health has been a part of you since the age of six well 6 when I can first remember you tend to forget well no not really forget you don't know what life is like without having seen is it in there all my life I wouldn't know who I was without it. That doesn't mean I don't try every single day for things to be better off things to be different or I don't try and understand my disorders and what's called them sometimes things can get on top of you and we can also meet you down a dark spiral. 

However rewatching my mad fat diary gave me a lot of insight into my own battle with mental health and how far I came in my life and prevent that if you stick at it and you can change the educates out and you keep wanting of knowledge and why and how you are the way you are and keep seeking treatment we can all actually get there in the end.

Love always

The girl with BPD XXX

The Snapchat big Talk..

Iv been running the experiment on how many people stop and actually speak to people on social media who just need to vent or get how they feel in that moment. Now I understand on my snapchat I have a lot of people however in some way people think they know me, but they don't not really they know what I want them to know and see like most of us do on social media. Like if it wasn't me asking to talk to someone and it was someone else would people still of been so ready to listen so easily? Would they still take the time to hear how they was feeling? When I asked people "I wonder how many people who view this snap would message back and say hello" only 112 said hello out of 2579 and when I said "I felt low and need to talk" 49 asked me if I was ok or what was wrong and genuinely wanted to listen. So that tells me (and in no way is this Scientific) that people may say hello for the hell of it, but if people are really wanting to lend an ear and just listen they will do. 49 supportive messages and 1 negative this person told me I was defensive and wouldn't get a fair result because it's me, and that I had ego (that's their opinion what they think or feel isn't anything to do with me) it also shows me that people are kind and caring and people are a lot more open to talking to people with mental health issues or someone who is just having a fucking crap day and wants to off load.
I know that more people Said hello than who wanted to talk however people asked if I needed a listening ear faster than people who said hello. It may not seem like many people but if all them people want to listen to each person on this earth than I'm pretty sure the stigma to mental health will become lower and I'm also sure most people would open up most and discuss there troubles.
So never stop wanting listening or asking if someone is ok because you never really know who might need to talk and you never know who you may help.
That's just my theory though.

Ps. Less people ask me for pictures than who did to see if I was ok... Make your own minds up on that one.

Results... Out of 2579 views 113 replied just to say hello
Out of 2496 views 49 people replied to see if I was ok
Good 49
Negative 1

Make your own minds up however I'd rather be the person who just didn't say hello.

Love always
The Girl with BPD x

My Crisis Point Dairy..

First night....
Today I came to crisis point a service for people in mental health crisis that isn't a hospital, you can come and go however you have to be back by 11 (I'm not ready to go out yet not at all I just want to feel safe). I got dropped off out this huge 3 story townhouse, from the outside it just looks like all the other houses on the street no signs saying what the service is or anything like that, however I know what the service is and why I'm here. It's very scary on how I'm feeling already.
I have mega anxiety and really all I want to do is go inside to my room and sleep I'm so worn out and tired I can't even think right now. I have to walk in here alone my partner can't be here to hold my hand (even though he wants to) I have to do this alone! Plus I'm here for a reason to get the help Iv been wanting and needing for a while.
I walk in to be greeted by a member of staff who firstly may I say made me feel so much worse! She was cold unwelcoming and frankly robotic like! I had to sit down and listen to her for 2 hours asking me questions and not really bothering what I said. She was just doing the paper work she wasn't caring or understanding at all. I wanted to get up and leave however you know me I'm not one to give up, plus I haven't   Came this far to give up now not a chance!
So after that I just wanted to go to sleep and chill out for a while. I had to have a tour of the building that is lovely abit dated but lovely all the less. There is a kitchen to cook food, a tv lounge and a chill room where you can paint, play games, listen to music and basically just chill out. On an evening you are encouraged to go down stairs and join in with everyone else. After my tour I just wanted to take a diazepam and sleep for a while as I'm so tired that's all I needed to do.
I woke up with an open mind and not wanting too let one person put me off the great opportunity that has been given too me. You can stay here up to 10 days and I'm hopefully going to learn new skills and have intense 1+1 sessions.
I spent some time in my room where I just wrote my feelings down. It was getting closer to 9 and I had a knock on my door to find a lovely welcoming member of staff who made me feel at ease and believe me it's just what I needed! I was asked what time id like my 1+1 and was asked to go and join everyone to play some games. I was apprehensive at first but why the fuck do I have to lose?! So I went down and I'm so glad that I did we played a few games (livid I didn't win anyway). I'm it was nice to just do something that took my mind off how I was feeling, even though every now and again it would hit me for a few minutes. I was so tired yet again I went to make a warm drink and had a chat with one of the other guests (I'm saying guest because I hate the fucking word patient) finally I went to bed and had a good night sleep! Thank goodness!

First Day...
So I finally had a good night sleep that was only broken a few times (that amazing for me) I woke up feeling refreshed and ready to start my treatment, I'm feeling okay ish on a scale of 1-10 1 being low 10 being excellent I'm about a 4 Iv been feeling a 1 for days so it's good to feel abit better.
They don't really do a lot here so there is lots of time just waiting around for your one on one.
The one on one was very hard and painful reliving things I'm trying to forget! It lasted about 45 mins that was my choice as I just couldn't do anymore, I was worn out and ready to just sleep. I didn't join in with the group session that night as a member of staff who made me feel so uncomfortable was working so I just went to bed. I was so angry and annoyed I had expressed all these feelings and then was left to cope alone.

Day 2...

Didn't get any better I was left alone most of the morning till my 1+1 that should of been at 2pm however after being told last minute there was a staff shortage i was asked could it be later. I was still very angry and annoyed from my session the day before. I was feeling worse and this made me feel lower than I did when I arrived! A few hours later I had my session, to be told that they aren't train therapist and they are just there to talk too. I was showed a sheet that had my triggers on however these triggers weren't triggers they where feelings from being rejected and abandoned again. They didn't understand that my mood change was triggered by this and weren't because I was Angry or any of the other stuff wrote in my file. I knew this wasn't the place to help me. Iv done CBT so my triggers that they thought were triggers are no longer triggers (if that makes sense), and seen they are not train therapist like my doctor and myself thought they were. If I would of gone here 3-4yrs ago the services would of really helped me however at this stage I need more intensive service to help me with the route of my demons that keep coming back to haunt me. So with that I  knew it was time to go home. I knew there would be someone out there who would benefit more from crisis point than me.
It was a great break to get away to be able to think and look at things from outside my normal surroundings. It was great to reflect however I left feeling worse than I went in because now I have all these unsettling feelings I'm trying to deal with and feel like I'm drowning. Right now I'm very grateful and thankful for a support dad and partner because without them things would be so much worse.

Depression just called

When I wake to see the sunshine through the curtains, I wish my eyes would close tightly shut to bring the darkness back again. Because without the rain and just the clear blue sky's I feel worse there goes another beautiful day to pass me by. I now all I can do is try to sleep it away and hope for darkness later in the day. When the sun is there shining bright in the sky its just a reminder that right now life is just passing me by. Through know fault of my own see depression just phoned and it's taking a bigger hold. I want the rain and dark clouds to reappear that way I know I'm not missing much just out of anxiety and fear mostly out of despair because most of the time I know longer want to be here. See the summer is normally my favourite time of year, filled with love, happiness an so much cheer but right now I just want to fast forward to next year, hopefully then the depression cloud would of cleared, Then I can smile rather than cry because the sunlight Is hurting my eyes. I just want to disappear till the pain and sadness has been replaced again with that sunshine cheer.


The Girl With BPD

A year of episodes...

Hello Readers,

So this is my first blog in a very long time, too long infact some may say.
This year has been a very difficult one for myself (not all bad some amazing moments) I have suffered two really bad psychotic episodes with one leading to a stay in hospital. It's been very tough Iv had a lot to deal with this year because of abuse in my past and my relationships with friends and family, however that's another blog all together.
I'll have to start with the first episode I guess the one that lead to my hospital stay. It didn't really come from know where as I could feel it coming on and I was trying to kid myself that everything was okay even though it wasn't deep down I became very depressed and withdrawn from everything I was smoking weed and dealing with a fiancé who was pushing me away again Because of his own mental health issues (again that's another blog lol)
I had a huge explosion where I smashed my house up and gave myself a huge black eye in the process, it literally  looked like a butterfly on my face. It was at that moment I new I needed to go to A&E before it got worse. I am very proud of myself for that because I promised myself I'd never let myself get as bad as my last episode 18months ago, I knew something was wrong and knew what I needed to do to get myself better. So I stayed in hospital. I really just needed some rest and reflection to get back to myself.
I came home from hospital and things still wasn't okay at home for a while, we was still struggling and my fiancé felt like it was his fault even though it had nothing to do with him, his actions were just one of many triggers that lead up to my episode. I never explained my BPD to him as I felt it would make him see his own mental health issues, I was trying to protect him and it ended up me not protecting myself.
So everything at home became good and it made us closer, I began to get better with his help and we became closer than ever before (and after 9 years on and off I didn't think I could love him anymore.)
I started to feel like myself again and I got back to me with the help of my amazing friends and family.
Than everything started again all these negative feelings came back. I was rejected by my mother again who had been my other rock when I was in hospital. I guess I have to expect that she never wanted me to start with and I was just a black sheep to her, some of her family also treat me the same after 29 years I should be used to it. I as an adult have to know that's not down to me that's their feelings and there is nothing I can do to change that.
So 4 months later I started to withdraw again my anxiety got sky high and still is my last episode was only last week I won't go outside and feel trapped, I have been to A&E and they couldn't do anything thing time. Even though I was having a psychotic episode hearing voices and having delusions and remembering things that had happened as a little girl. Dealing with my sexual and physical abuse has been very hard for me since I bought it to the for front of my life.
Right now I'm still not where I want to be however I know it will get better and has been worse. I also know after each episode I bounce back faster. It's very hard for me to go back to places that caused me so much pain however I do because I won't let my past ruin my life, I know none of it was my fault however it doesn't at time feel that way. Iv been hurt, let down and rejected by people I never thought would leave my side.
Having to deal with these feelings have made my life very hard this year however I know I have a bright future ahead of me with people who love me and a man who I know needs me because I am his world. I'd rather face all this now and know that in the future It will all be okay.
You have to remember that the good days out weigh the bad and in the end we are all on a personal journey, that if you keep on pushing even when you feel like you can't give anymore remember you didn't fight for this long to give up now.
I know it won't seem like there is any positives at the time however everything we face teaches us a lesson, from good and bad experiences. I'm on the mend and I know it will get better maybe not tomorrow or next week or even next month however one day I know I will be there I may not win every battle however I win every war.

Keep safe, stat healthy and be strong.

Lots of love
Regan-Pia-Carra xx

My struggles

Hello beautiful lot

So the last few weeks Iv had to take some time out from everything and look after myself a little better. 

Iv had a really trying few weeks and I'm the end I ended up feeling suicidal and just wanted to sleep for a very long time. I had been let down by a friend who I felt and still fell has wronged me, I was rejected and cast out into the cold. I took this very hard it's not surprising after being round a negative person who is like a death eater for a positive mind. However it was me who was let down and alone. I took this very hard and already with a low mood it just made me feel worse and very low Infact lowest Iv been for a while.

On the plush side now know how to deal with these moods and took myself away from the world for a while to recharge and refocus and I'm glad and pleased to say I'm back better than ever and very thankful and greatful for these struggles I get as they make me see how far Iv came and how amazing my life is and the people init. 

I'm still human who over the last few months has been dealing with a hell of a lot I wish I could say right now what Iv been facing however I will all in good time. 

My melt down was coming and is handle it to starry with not very well however I'm better and enjoying my life again.

Remember to take every struggle as a blessing and learn from them. Having BPD can help you find who you really are if you are willing to sit down and hear what it's trying to tell and show you. These moods will always pass and if you learn from them you will become the best you ever.

Love always

The girl with BPD