A year of episodes...

Hello Readers,

So this is my first blog in a very long time, too long infact some may say.
This year has been a very difficult one for myself (not all bad some amazing moments) I have suffered two really bad psychotic episodes with one leading to a stay in hospital. It's been very tough Iv had a lot to deal with this year because of abuse in my past and my relationships with friends and family, however that's another blog all together.
I'll have to start with the first episode I guess the one that lead to my hospital stay. It didn't really come from know where as I could feel it coming on and I was trying to kid myself that everything was okay even though it wasn't deep down I became very depressed and withdrawn from everything I was smoking weed and dealing with a fiancé who was pushing me away again Because of his own mental health issues (again that's another blog lol)
I had a huge explosion where I smashed my house up and gave myself a huge black eye in the process, it literally  looked like a butterfly on my face. It was at that moment I new I needed to go to A&E before it got worse. I am very proud of myself for that because I promised myself I'd never let myself get as bad as my last episode 18months ago, I knew something was wrong and knew what I needed to do to get myself better. So I stayed in hospital. I really just needed some rest and reflection to get back to myself.
I came home from hospital and things still wasn't okay at home for a while, we was still struggling and my fiancé felt like it was his fault even though it had nothing to do with him, his actions were just one of many triggers that lead up to my episode. I never explained my BPD to him as I felt it would make him see his own mental health issues, I was trying to protect him and it ended up me not protecting myself.
So everything at home became good and it made us closer, I began to get better with his help and we became closer than ever before (and after 9 years on and off I didn't think I could love him anymore.)
I started to feel like myself again and I got back to me with the help of my amazing friends and family.
Than everything started again all these negative feelings came back. I was rejected by my mother again who had been my other rock when I was in hospital. I guess I have to expect that she never wanted me to start with and I was just a black sheep to her, some of her family also treat me the same after 29 years I should be used to it. I as an adult have to know that's not down to me that's their feelings and there is nothing I can do to change that.
So 4 months later I started to withdraw again my anxiety got sky high and still is my last episode was only last week I won't go outside and feel trapped, I have been to A&E and they couldn't do anything thing time. Even though I was having a psychotic episode hearing voices and having delusions and remembering things that had happened as a little girl. Dealing with my sexual and physical abuse has been very hard for me since I bought it to the for front of my life.
Right now I'm still not where I want to be however I know it will get better and has been worse. I also know after each episode I bounce back faster. It's very hard for me to go back to places that caused me so much pain however I do because I won't let my past ruin my life, I know none of it was my fault however it doesn't at time feel that way. Iv been hurt, let down and rejected by people I never thought would leave my side.
Having to deal with these feelings have made my life very hard this year however I know I have a bright future ahead of me with people who love me and a man who I know needs me because I am his world. I'd rather face all this now and know that in the future It will all be okay.
You have to remember that the good days out weigh the bad and in the end we are all on a personal journey, that if you keep on pushing even when you feel like you can't give anymore remember you didn't fight for this long to give up now.
I know it won't seem like there is any positives at the time however everything we face teaches us a lesson, from good and bad experiences. I'm on the mend and I know it will get better maybe not tomorrow or next week or even next month however one day I know I will be there I may not win every battle however I win every war.

Keep safe, stat healthy and be strong.

Lots of love
Regan-Pia-Carra xx