A year of episodes...

Hello Readers,

So this is my first blog in a very long time, too long infact some may say.
This year has been a very difficult one for myself (not all bad some amazing moments) I have suffered two really bad psychotic episodes with one leading to a stay in hospital. It's been very tough Iv had a lot to deal with this year because of abuse in my past and my relationships with friends and family, however that's another blog all together.
I'll have to start with the first episode I guess the one that lead to my hospital stay. It didn't really come from know where as I could feel it coming on and I was trying to kid myself that everything was okay even though it wasn't deep down I became very depressed and withdrawn from everything I was smoking weed and dealing with a fiancé who was pushing me away again Because of his own mental health issues (again that's another blog lol)
I had a huge explosion where I smashed my house up and gave myself a huge black eye in the process, it literally  looked like a butterfly on my face. It was at that moment I new I needed to go to A&E before it got worse. I am very proud of myself for that because I promised myself I'd never let myself get as bad as my last episode 18months ago, I knew something was wrong and knew what I needed to do to get myself better. So I stayed in hospital. I really just needed some rest and reflection to get back to myself.
I came home from hospital and things still wasn't okay at home for a while, we was still struggling and my fiancé felt like it was his fault even though it had nothing to do with him, his actions were just one of many triggers that lead up to my episode. I never explained my BPD to him as I felt it would make him see his own mental health issues, I was trying to protect him and it ended up me not protecting myself.
So everything at home became good and it made us closer, I began to get better with his help and we became closer than ever before (and after 9 years on and off I didn't think I could love him anymore.)
I started to feel like myself again and I got back to me with the help of my amazing friends and family.
Than everything started again all these negative feelings came back. I was rejected by my mother again who had been my other rock when I was in hospital. I guess I have to expect that she never wanted me to start with and I was just a black sheep to her, some of her family also treat me the same after 29 years I should be used to it. I as an adult have to know that's not down to me that's their feelings and there is nothing I can do to change that.
So 4 months later I started to withdraw again my anxiety got sky high and still is my last episode was only last week I won't go outside and feel trapped, I have been to A&E and they couldn't do anything thing time. Even though I was having a psychotic episode hearing voices and having delusions and remembering things that had happened as a little girl. Dealing with my sexual and physical abuse has been very hard for me since I bought it to the for front of my life.
Right now I'm still not where I want to be however I know it will get better and has been worse. I also know after each episode I bounce back faster. It's very hard for me to go back to places that caused me so much pain however I do because I won't let my past ruin my life, I know none of it was my fault however it doesn't at time feel that way. Iv been hurt, let down and rejected by people I never thought would leave my side.
Having to deal with these feelings have made my life very hard this year however I know I have a bright future ahead of me with people who love me and a man who I know needs me because I am his world. I'd rather face all this now and know that in the future It will all be okay.
You have to remember that the good days out weigh the bad and in the end we are all on a personal journey, that if you keep on pushing even when you feel like you can't give anymore remember you didn't fight for this long to give up now.
I know it won't seem like there is any positives at the time however everything we face teaches us a lesson, from good and bad experiences. I'm on the mend and I know it will get better maybe not tomorrow or next week or even next month however one day I know I will be there I may not win every battle however I win every war.

Keep safe, stat healthy and be strong.

Lots of love
Regan-Pia-Carra xx

My struggles

Hello beautiful lot

So the last few weeks Iv had to take some time out from everything and look after myself a little better. 

Iv had a really trying few weeks and I'm the end I ended up feeling suicidal and just wanted to sleep for a very long time. I had been let down by a friend who I felt and still fell has wronged me, I was rejected and cast out into the cold. I took this very hard it's not surprising after being round a negative person who is like a death eater for a positive mind. However it was me who was let down and alone. I took this very hard and already with a low mood it just made me feel worse and very low Infact lowest Iv been for a while.

On the plush side now know how to deal with these moods and took myself away from the world for a while to recharge and refocus and I'm glad and pleased to say I'm back better than ever and very thankful and greatful for these struggles I get as they make me see how far Iv came and how amazing my life is and the people init. 

I'm still human who over the last few months has been dealing with a hell of a lot I wish I could say right now what Iv been facing however I will all in good time. 

My melt down was coming and is handle it to starry with not very well however I'm better and enjoying my life again.

Remember to take every struggle as a blessing and learn from them. Having BPD can help you find who you really are if you are willing to sit down and hear what it's trying to tell and show you. These moods will always pass and if you learn from them you will become the best you ever.

Love always

The girl with BPD

How do we know if someone is genuinely honest...

Hay beautiful,

This is a topic that I feel so strongly on and how i find it so hard to still believe what people say to me, maybe it's because 95% of the people in my life have always lied to me from as early as I can remember. That's probably why being lied to is still a huge trigger for me and one I try so hard to get over but somehow just can't. 

The worst is from men whatever a male says i just don't believe most of all if they are being nice to me however, If they call me all the names under the sun I think they are lying and are dealing with stuff themselves...

OMG THAT SOUNDS SO FUCKED UP!

I know that's the wrong way to think however I just can't stop myself feeling or thinking this way. I believe every man has an agenda, it's so understandable though from as young as I can remember Iv been abused sexually, physically and mentally, by men who where only nice to me when they wanted something from me or had hurt me in someway. 

Having BPD is developed by going through trauma and my whole life Iv been dealing with things that know one should have too, this now leaves me being unable to have anything to do with men unless they are gay or my brother because I know they aren't or haven't got agenda and won't hurt me in anyway.

Let's say someone told me they where going to meet a family member I'd see this as reaction and the only possible reason for it would be they had found someone better than me.

When Infact they where probably just meeting this family member.

The fact that I'm trying to deal with my issues with lies and men is a huge step for me, I acknowledge and know this is MY issue and only I can deal with it and control the rage and intense feelings of loss, anger, loneliness, not being good enough, sadness and all the other feelings I feel.

Iv gotten over so much and I'll get over this. However undoing 20 odd years of these feelings is hard but sure as hell I'll do able.

Speak soon 

The Girl with BPD x 

Missing the old me...

So as I sit here and type this feeling hated for zero reason at all, I'm wondering what happened to the old me? 

You know the me who didn't care what anyone thought of her? The one who had an attitude for no reason? The me who wasn't afraid to just be nasty?

It's so hard at times like this when other people effect your moods and causes you anitexy or to question yourself when you feel that all you have been is nice. I never used to care if someone hated me. I miss my whatever attitude, I miss the me that was ready and prepared for anyone and everyone to hate her.  However now I'm not, I'm not mean or nasty, I try and be kind and mindful of everyone's situations and struggles. 

Not everyone is like that though and egos and attitudes really do have a knock on effect on me these days, I get really confused and end up thinking what have I done. I probably do this as I don't want to be a person that people hate anymore. I want to spend my day making people laugh and being a positive influence on everyone's life. I'm the type of person to walk round smiling at people just to brighten their day because we never know what someone is having to handle, it's also nice when someone smiles back. It's all about little acts of kindness.

I say I miss the old me, however I love this me so much more! I love the person I am becoming from who I was. I like the fact I stand in the mirror and finally smile at who I am for not one reason it's a good feeling. I only ever miss the old me when I don't understand someone's behaviour towards me, as that cocky little bitch would of gave more than she got she had an attitude and ego bigger than anyone.

This me is better though I'm the me I was always hiding away from people, maybe that's why I'm more open and feel more vulnerable to people's behaviours towards me. That won't change me though or the path I'm on I'll continue to grow and recover from my BPD after all this new me is liked and loved a lot more..

You can see for yourself 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ape9TqURK9E

Love and hugs

The Girl with BPD X

When PMDD pops by to say hello

Hello you,

Well it's safe to say not everyday is a good day, most of all when its that time of the month your PMDD (Premenstrual dysphoric disorder) effects your BPD, PMDD  is a condition in which a woman has severe depression symptoms, irritability, and tension before menstruation. The symptoms of PMDD are more severe than those seen with PMS.. 

So each month I get all the feelings Iv tried so hard to remove from my life but what can I do my moods become low, I become tired and life just feels to much again! BPD + PMDD = the fiery pits of hell! It's a nightmare, I don't mean that to be dramatic, however it's true my moods are like revolving  doors to a department store and only stop when the store is closed and I'm a sleep, my Anitexy is awful and let's not start on my temper! I become needy and like a 2 year old it's like all the work Iv done the last 3 and a half years has been for nothing. The only thing I can do is lay in bed and sooth my self or do things that cheer me up, however this is hard in the depressed state of PMDD, it makes you feel so tired and helpless! My only comfort is that I know as soon as my period arrives the hell is over and I'm back to being me. 

The me that's happy and not crying over just anything who has her zest back for life, rather than struggling to get by in the day or even smile.

Having BPD is hard work but add PMDD to that its even harder! Most BPD suffers get PMDD to my understanding so for those of you struggling right now because of PMDD remember it last a week is temporary and you will be back to you in 0 time at all.

Love and hugs 

The Girl with BPD 

I don't wanna feel hated anymore.

Firstly I want to start this blog with a huge thank you to everyone who has read it, reposted it and subscribed , all these people who email me saying how iv helped them you will never know how much that means to me and how much it also helps me in my recovery. You are all literally inspirations to me to keep going.

So thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

Now after that this blog may seem a bit odd, however like many of us who suffer borderline personality disorder I struggle with feeling hated or not liked.

I can't get close to anyone right now as I end up feeling like this, or like I'm still not good enough, even though I am and I know my worth, part of me still is always on egg shells hoping someone doesn't see through me. This is hard to change and I'm struggling with this massively I just never feel like I'm quite enough. This leads me to believe people are lying to me. 

Now this doesn't happen with friends or family so much these days but still happens with others. See its like I'm programme to either not give a fuck or get far to attached, then I feel hated and like my cover has been blown, now this makes no sense to me as I know longer have a front and I'm the real me with everyone. Because of that reason when I then get the cold shoulder it still hurts, it happened just yesterday. That lead me to believe I'm still hated even tho I'm now just me, like The real me isnt worth knowing then that leads me to think has all this work been for nothing all these thoughts lead me to have an anxiety attack.

When someone suffers with BPD as iv said before inconsistent behaviour from anyone does work. It literally sends us crazy and makes us hate ourselves, plus we don't need that we hate ourselves enough (well I used too) I don't need anyone who's actions aren't consistent with their words in my life right now.

It leaves me feeling and going crazy! It makes me guess myself and makes me doubt who I am. I know for sure I didn't work so hard to have that.

I'm not fully recovered from BPD but I'm getting there I just don't need set backs and to feel like I'm hated for a reason I don't understand. Most of all from someone who was a calming influence to you. 

Not everyone is who they say they are we cant control the actions of others. All we can do is control ours, as long as your heart is sincere and genuine you will be okay. Just because someone makes you feel hated that says more about them than it ever will about you.

I seen this quote and its just perfect.

"Your smile is your logo, your personality is your Business card. How you leave others feeling after an interaction becomes your trademark"

This is so true!

We all need to be more mindful of each other. 

Today I woke up and the feeling had gone but I'm still finding myself wondering what I really did wrong.

Love always 

Me xx

Anxiety sucks!

I can't believe I let my anxiety get so bad to the point of I was having mini seizures with attacks. 

I had know clue at the time that they had anything to do with my anxiety I thought I had diabetes or it was my iron levels, it was only when a friend had an anxiety attack I googled their symptoms and realised that I have been having serious anxiety attacks for months and not noticed.

I have been struggling with my anxiety all year, I stopped taking my meds because I thought I was ok and I hate taking medication, I then started to self medicate with weed to stop my anxiety but after a while it stopped working and mad my anxiety worse.

Iv not felt like myself for ages, i hate going out, hate seeing people, hate talking to people. I thought it was because of my BPD recovery and I was finding myself I see now it was all my anxiety. 

Sometimes someone comes along a and inspires you to be an even better person, they just manage to have a soothing positive effect on you. I see a lot of my issues have been because I stopped taking my meds, it's made me into a person I'm not and I know I'm not depressed I know that much. However my anxiety has literally crippled me from life. 

But if one person can inspire you to look at yourself a little deeper and make you see, It's better to shine in darkness than to disappear into it. 

Iv been so scared and terrified about my health when all it was, was my anxiety. I hope now I start to feel like me again but in the meantime it's back to therapy to deal with what's causing this awful anxiety. 

Going to the doctors is the hardest step every single time, however as terrible as it may be it's also the most rewarding thing because you know it can know get better.

Love always 

Me x