Missing the old me...

So as I sit here and type this feeling hated for zero reason at all, I'm wondering what happened to the old me? 

You know the me who didn't care what anyone thought of her? The one who had an attitude for no reason? The me who wasn't afraid to just be nasty?

It's so hard at times like this when other people effect your moods and causes you anitexy or to question yourself when you feel that all you have been is nice. I never used to care if someone hated me. I miss my whatever attitude, I miss the me that was ready and prepared for anyone and everyone to hate her.  However now I'm not, I'm not mean or nasty, I try and be kind and mindful of everyone's situations and struggles. 

Not everyone is like that though and egos and attitudes really do have a knock on effect on me these days, I get really confused and end up thinking what have I done. I probably do this as I don't want to be a person that people hate anymore. I want to spend my day making people laugh and being a positive influence on everyone's life. I'm the type of person to walk round smiling at people just to brighten their day because we never know what someone is having to handle, it's also nice when someone smiles back. It's all about little acts of kindness.

I say I miss the old me, however I love this me so much more! I love the person I am becoming from who I was. I like the fact I stand in the mirror and finally smile at who I am for not one reason it's a good feeling. I only ever miss the old me when I don't understand someone's behaviour towards me, as that cocky little bitch would of gave more than she got she had an attitude and ego bigger than anyone.

This me is better though I'm the me I was always hiding away from people, maybe that's why I'm more open and feel more vulnerable to people's behaviours towards me. That won't change me though or the path I'm on I'll continue to grow and recover from my BPD after all this new me is liked and loved a lot more..

You can see for yourself 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ape9TqURK9E

Love and hugs

The Girl with BPD X

When PMDD pops by to say hello

Hello you,

Well it's safe to say not everyday is a good day, most of all when its that time of the month your PMDD (Premenstrual dysphoric disorder) effects your BPD, PMDD  is a condition in which a woman has severe depression symptoms, irritability, and tension before menstruation. The symptoms of PMDD are more severe than those seen with PMS.. 

So each month I get all the feelings Iv tried so hard to remove from my life but what can I do my moods become low, I become tired and life just feels to much again! BPD + PMDD = the fiery pits of hell! It's a nightmare, I don't mean that to be dramatic, however it's true my moods are like revolving  doors to a department store and only stop when the store is closed and I'm a sleep, my Anitexy is awful and let's not start on my temper! I become needy and like a 2 year old it's like all the work Iv done the last 3 and a half years has been for nothing. The only thing I can do is lay in bed and sooth my self or do things that cheer me up, however this is hard in the depressed state of PMDD, it makes you feel so tired and helpless! My only comfort is that I know as soon as my period arrives the hell is over and I'm back to being me. 

The me that's happy and not crying over just anything who has her zest back for life, rather than struggling to get by in the day or even smile.

Having BPD is hard work but add PMDD to that its even harder! Most BPD suffers get PMDD to my understanding so for those of you struggling right now because of PMDD remember it last a week is temporary and you will be back to you in 0 time at all.

Love and hugs 

The Girl with BPD 

I don't wanna feel hated anymore.

Firstly I want to start this blog with a huge thank you to everyone who has read it, reposted it and subscribed , all these people who email me saying how iv helped them you will never know how much that means to me and how much it also helps me in my recovery. You are all literally inspirations to me to keep going.

So thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

Now after that this blog may seem a bit odd, however like many of us who suffer borderline personality disorder I struggle with feeling hated or not liked.

I can't get close to anyone right now as I end up feeling like this, or like I'm still not good enough, even though I am and I know my worth, part of me still is always on egg shells hoping someone doesn't see through me. This is hard to change and I'm struggling with this massively I just never feel like I'm quite enough. This leads me to believe people are lying to me. 

Now this doesn't happen with friends or family so much these days but still happens with others. See its like I'm programme to either not give a fuck or get far to attached, then I feel hated and like my cover has been blown, now this makes no sense to me as I know longer have a front and I'm the real me with everyone. Because of that reason when I then get the cold shoulder it still hurts, it happened just yesterday. That lead me to believe I'm still hated even tho I'm now just me, like The real me isnt worth knowing then that leads me to think has all this work been for nothing all these thoughts lead me to have an anxiety attack.

When someone suffers with BPD as iv said before inconsistent behaviour from anyone does work. It literally sends us crazy and makes us hate ourselves, plus we don't need that we hate ourselves enough (well I used too) I don't need anyone who's actions aren't consistent with their words in my life right now.

It leaves me feeling and going crazy! It makes me guess myself and makes me doubt who I am. I know for sure I didn't work so hard to have that.

I'm not fully recovered from BPD but I'm getting there I just don't need set backs and to feel like I'm hated for a reason I don't understand. Most of all from someone who was a calming influence to you. 

Not everyone is who they say they are we cant control the actions of others. All we can do is control ours, as long as your heart is sincere and genuine you will be okay. Just because someone makes you feel hated that says more about them than it ever will about you.

I seen this quote and its just perfect.

"Your smile is your logo, your personality is your Business card. How you leave others feeling after an interaction becomes your trademark"

This is so true!

We all need to be more mindful of each other. 

Today I woke up and the feeling had gone but I'm still finding myself wondering what I really did wrong.

Love always 

Me xx

Anxiety sucks!

I can't believe I let my anxiety get so bad to the point of I was having mini seizures with attacks. 

I had know clue at the time that they had anything to do with my anxiety I thought I had diabetes or it was my iron levels, it was only when a friend had an anxiety attack I googled their symptoms and realised that I have been having serious anxiety attacks for months and not noticed.

I have been struggling with my anxiety all year, I stopped taking my meds because I thought I was ok and I hate taking medication, I then started to self medicate with weed to stop my anxiety but after a while it stopped working and mad my anxiety worse.

Iv not felt like myself for ages, i hate going out, hate seeing people, hate talking to people. I thought it was because of my BPD recovery and I was finding myself I see now it was all my anxiety. 

Sometimes someone comes along a and inspires you to be an even better person, they just manage to have a soothing positive effect on you. I see a lot of my issues have been because I stopped taking my meds, it's made me into a person I'm not and I know I'm not depressed I know that much. However my anxiety has literally crippled me from life. 

But if one person can inspire you to look at yourself a little deeper and make you see, It's better to shine in darkness than to disappear into it. 

Iv been so scared and terrified about my health when all it was, was my anxiety. I hope now I start to feel like me again but in the meantime it's back to therapy to deal with what's causing this awful anxiety. 

Going to the doctors is the hardest step every single time, however as terrible as it may be it's also the most rewarding thing because you know it can know get better.

Love always 

Me x

I need your help

I am working with a fellow suffer on something I hope will bring hope and awareness to so many other suffers.. But I need your stories for more information please email me.

I need some help! I need as many BPD suffers who are on the start of their recovery to people at the end, from parents, children, partners and who has been effected by this disorder I need your help to help me explain to others what it's like having Borderline personality effort your life.

Please email Reggieistrouble@gmail.com

It will all be confidential unless you wish to be named.

Thank you x

You control your happiness.

The girl who smiles today is because I put my faith in myself and the universe to find the love I wanted to find in someone else to find it in me.

Being happy in yourself is important to anyone however when you have BPD that little person that has protected you for so long, you know the one you talk to and explain that one day it'll all be ok, to self sooth yourself.

We as BPDs spend far to long trying to find someone who makes them feel whole, we need to look into ourselves to find this, it's comes from courage, strength, willpower but most of all from the desire to be better and of sound mind.

Never let anyone control your happiness, when we do this we allow them to control or sadness also. You know all those times when someone told you they felt like they was always on edge to your moods? Or how you'd react? Well this is the same but you have to look at it as an outsider, 

People feel on edge because of us, however someone with BPD feels on edge because they are so scared that they can't make this person happy, they will see how we aren't perfect, how you spend all of your life trying to please others because that's the only way you know it's going to be ok.

That is all so wrong! We have to find happiness and peace with ourselves first and let go of the pain from the past. We can't change the past but we can make the future so much better. It's time to let go to the ghosts, it has taken up to much of your life already! 

None of it was YOUR fault! But YOU are incontrol of your future and how bright it will be! 

If I hadn't started this Journey nearly 4 years ago I'd never be here today, yes 4 years is a long time but the last year has been the hardest however because I made the choice that my past was going to ruin my happiness if I didn't spend all my time thinking, speaking and processing it. Yes it's been hard and at times I wanted to give up but I owe it to the little girl I was to make the rest of my life what I want it to be. I spent so long trying to be what someone else wanted me to be I forgot to be true to myself! I forgot about how sad I was or how I was attacked racially and personally by "friends" of someone who I was so in love with because I let him control my happiness I was never going to happy until I realise he was never enough for me anyway, see we tend to do that we romance about the happiness and forget the hurt that has been caused. 

We didn't ask for bad things to happen however we are the happiness we NEED! Once you start smiling at the person you become the pain of past stops you feeling numb..

I smile today with love, pride, faith, gratitude and a full heart. My Journey isn't over yet but i can see the light at the end of the tunnel and where I started seems so long away. 

Remember that each day is 24hrs, it's a new page in the story of your life, start a new chapter remember you are the author to your happiness.

Love hugs and kisses 

Me xx

I don't like the consistency.

So it's a really odd time for me,  while my recovery from BPD is getting closer to the end, I still have a piece of Kryptonite, that ruins me on contact. 

That strips me so bear that every emotion pulls me to a place that I don't want to be.

I feel like I'm drowning! I feel like my whole life is getting there day by day but this Kryptonite just pulls and pulls at me till I have nothing left. 

I still find it hard like most people that when behaviour isn't consistent it makes me feel not numb or any of them other feelings you get with BPD however, it hurts me and it hurts my heart so much that I can feel it get smaller n more locked off than ever before.

I'm starting to see that my life will always be like this because the better I get, the behaviour I'd actually let happen before I refuse to let happen now. 

It's hard being confused but it's even harder when someone's behaviour isn't consistent to what you have always knew from this person. 

I'm also struggling with the fact that now I'm better I may not even love this person as much as I thought I did and that's so scary, but it's never ending its 24hrs a day 7 days a week mental torture and has been for so long that it's now part of my life or sure as hell feels that way.

It's my dreams, every thought, every conversation and the reason most of my tears drop and roll down my cheek.

The lies are I feel that I'm faced with are hard yet I don't no what's true or not or how I'm even meant to feel! It's a frustrating situation. 

My dreams leave me waking up sweating with the tears already in my eyes, i got to the point where all that had stopped, my anxiety however feels like this is fine and acceptable, yeah it's really not! 

Suffering with BPD I took a test  that said I was serve case of BPD with a a sore of 46, on retaking the test I realised that the score was taken down to 17! Now I done this on my feelings now taking this person out my mind as I did it, the score being 17 is amazing and made me so proud, however I feel if I did this with this person as part of my life would the score be so high? No it wouldn't not in a month of Sunday's would it be the same score. Inconsistent behaviour gives any BPD suffer triggers but not only BPD it's most people if someone changes how they are towards you on a daily or hourly basis, when you have feelings for this person it makes life even harder that the behaviour they are showing you isn't what you wish to show them, you just want to show them love and kindness but their behaviour towards you stops this from happening because you are greeted with contentment, now this is something that will effect anyone not just someone with BPD, it makes me wonder when did 'treat others like you want to be treated' stopped happening? When did people become so complaisance with matters of the heart? Was it when we stopped wanting to fight for it? Was it when love became a meme or a quote.

Love is one of the most amazing feelings in the world however it's also one of the hardest! That's what love is it's about seeing who's worth the fight or the wait, however when does the choice come to stop? When does self respect kick in? 

If someone behaviour isn't what you want but you wish for the old them back is it to late if they changed for the worst? Then comes the guilty feelings of what if my BPD caused the changes then it made a monster (ok not a monster just not a nice person) I can't change that if never given the chance.

People need consistent behaviour of they have BPD or not! One thought always gets me through 

"If the person you spend so long ignoring today, wasn't to wake up tomorrow would it of all been worth it? Or would you regret it?"

The only way I can answer that is, it's not really worth it life is to short, believe me I no. Last year as some o you may be aware I tried to kill myself the first time in my life I really wanted to die it wasn't a cry for help or to stop the pain I wanted to die, it's only now I'll be honest about that fact but I didn't want to be here anymore. One of the things that got me past that awful time was my desire to get better but my strongest was to prove everyone wrong including him, in fact he was the start of the vision, that soon changed and it became me. 

However if I ask myself that question regrading him I say no, even tho it's not consistent from his side and mine as a result of that even tho I'm more confused than ever the answer would be no it wasn't worth it, it's all wasted time that know one can ever get back. They say we regret the chances we didn't take. 

So next time that person who seems to bug the shit of you, tries again on a fresh day it's a new day, a new start, because tomorrow isn't granted to anyone. Be the change you wish to see in the world no matter how hard it is, at least I no if anything happens to me, I hope the feelings of regret don't over shadow the love and feelings I had for you, my solace is that even with the inconsistent behaviour I tried to show you how much love I had towards you and that out beats my regret to not give up. I wasn't born a quitter, I mean I didn't get this far by quitting.. Trust after all is built on Consistency and people with BPD steam from children who didn't have consistency as a child so learned how to not trust.

Lots of love always..

RPC xx