I don't like the consistency.

So it's a really odd time for me,  while my recovery from BPD is getting closer to the end, I still have a piece of Kryptonite, that ruins me on contact. 

That strips me so bear that every emotion pulls me to a place that I don't want to be.

I feel like I'm drowning! I feel like my whole life is getting there day by day but this Kryptonite just pulls and pulls at me till I have nothing left. 

I still find it hard like most people that when behaviour isn't consistent it makes me feel not numb or any of them other feelings you get with BPD however, it hurts me and it hurts my heart so much that I can feel it get smaller n more locked off than ever before.

I'm starting to see that my life will always be like this because the better I get, the behaviour I'd actually let happen before I refuse to let happen now. 

It's hard being confused but it's even harder when someone's behaviour isn't consistent to what you have always knew from this person. 

I'm also struggling with the fact that now I'm better I may not even love this person as much as I thought I did and that's so scary, but it's never ending its 24hrs a day 7 days a week mental torture and has been for so long that it's now part of my life or sure as hell feels that way.

It's my dreams, every thought, every conversation and the reason most of my tears drop and roll down my cheek.

The lies are I feel that I'm faced with are hard yet I don't no what's true or not or how I'm even meant to feel! It's a frustrating situation. 

My dreams leave me waking up sweating with the tears already in my eyes, i got to the point where all that had stopped, my anxiety however feels like this is fine and acceptable, yeah it's really not! 

Suffering with BPD I took a test  that said I was serve case of BPD with a a sore of 46, on retaking the test I realised that the score was taken down to 17! Now I done this on my feelings now taking this person out my mind as I did it, the score being 17 is amazing and made me so proud, however I feel if I did this with this person as part of my life would the score be so high? No it wouldn't not in a month of Sunday's would it be the same score. Inconsistent behaviour gives any BPD suffer triggers but not only BPD it's most people if someone changes how they are towards you on a daily or hourly basis, when you have feelings for this person it makes life even harder that the behaviour they are showing you isn't what you wish to show them, you just want to show them love and kindness but their behaviour towards you stops this from happening because you are greeted with contentment, now this is something that will effect anyone not just someone with BPD, it makes me wonder when did 'treat others like you want to be treated' stopped happening? When did people become so complaisance with matters of the heart? Was it when we stopped wanting to fight for it? Was it when love became a meme or a quote.

Love is one of the most amazing feelings in the world however it's also one of the hardest! That's what love is it's about seeing who's worth the fight or the wait, however when does the choice come to stop? When does self respect kick in? 

If someone behaviour isn't what you want but you wish for the old them back is it to late if they changed for the worst? Then comes the guilty feelings of what if my BPD caused the changes then it made a monster (ok not a monster just not a nice person) I can't change that if never given the chance.

People need consistent behaviour of they have BPD or not! One thought always gets me through 

"If the person you spend so long ignoring today, wasn't to wake up tomorrow would it of all been worth it? Or would you regret it?"

The only way I can answer that is, it's not really worth it life is to short, believe me I no. Last year as some o you may be aware I tried to kill myself the first time in my life I really wanted to die it wasn't a cry for help or to stop the pain I wanted to die, it's only now I'll be honest about that fact but I didn't want to be here anymore. One of the things that got me past that awful time was my desire to get better but my strongest was to prove everyone wrong including him, in fact he was the start of the vision, that soon changed and it became me. 

However if I ask myself that question regrading him I say no, even tho it's not consistent from his side and mine as a result of that even tho I'm more confused than ever the answer would be no it wasn't worth it, it's all wasted time that know one can ever get back. They say we regret the chances we didn't take. 

So next time that person who seems to bug the shit of you, tries again on a fresh day it's a new day, a new start, because tomorrow isn't granted to anyone. Be the change you wish to see in the world no matter how hard it is, at least I no if anything happens to me, I hope the feelings of regret don't over shadow the love and feelings I had for you, my solace is that even with the inconsistent behaviour I tried to show you how much love I had towards you and that out beats my regret to not give up. I wasn't born a quitter, I mean I didn't get this far by quitting.. Trust after all is built on Consistency and people with BPD steam from children who didn't have consistency as a child so learned how to not trust.

Lots of love always..

RPC xx