People always get involved with me thinking they will be different or they can be the one to fix me. I'm very clear and honest with my BPD and explain what I'm like my moods how I act but hay everyone thinks there a knight in shining armer when in all honesty most of the time they are pricks in tin foil. It's hard when I tell anyone it's going to end in tears and them tears will be mine not theirs. I mean iv spent most of my life trying to get people to fall in love with me or just stick around. The thing with BPD suffers out biggest fear is rejection and being abandon everyone who has ever meant to care or love us from a young age has always left us. So letting people in is very hard but we do because we crave and want to be loved more then anything in the world. Our issue is we have triggers and them triggers set out a massive explosion of emotions whatever it by be something as simple as someone reminding us know one sticks around ever, uses the words fuck up in a sentence or dropping the fact we have a disorder to try and get the point across they need to make. Being involved with anyone with BPD it could be your mam, child, sibling, friend or partner it will often feel like your walking on egg shells and not knowing what to say or do right. The thing with that is I think do not be so insensitive in the first place here's an example:
Would you say to someone with one leg you can't do that your a cripple?
No because it's insensitive, so why say something that's so raw to someone else? Just because you don't see the issue doesn't mean it ain't real.
It's a struggle to live in mind space of someone with BPD or any mental illness. I'm fed up of living with this now I want to be better! I'm so proud of me for where I have came in the last year with my disorder and I'm glad I'm strong enough to face my demons I don't hide from them or run from them I face them. I just don't like how my mind works and makes me react to things or how it makes things hurt me to the point I cut off from people. I feel like I let someone get close and they judge me, they talk about me to others or just laugh at me. Yes I want someone to understand and be caring but I do not want someone who uses things to hurt me or against me.
Every time I think I have control and a handle on it something comes along to remind me I really don't. I'm glad about that because one day I'll look around and be happy and think 'wow iv not had a trigger for a while' everyone I let in even for just a short time makes me realise that triggers happen a lot less and how I'm able to talk them down and not get sucked into them for that I'm proud. I just really wish people would stop trying to fix me and impress me.
xxx
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