It's never to late to leave.

As a lot of you may have watched murdered by my boyfriend last week on bbc3, it was on again tonight and I decided to give it another watch, as when I watch these sorts of thing because of past experiences I shut off to the violence. The first time I watched it I didn't cry or feel many emotions the emotions I did feel was anger how another person can get into someone's head and manipulate them to the point they feel hopeless to leave. Iv always said I'd rather take a beating than someone play mind games and mess with my own thought process.

That's the hardest part to ever get over bruises fade, bones heal and blood can be wiped away like know trace of what has happened even did, but someone messing with your mind is so much harder to deal with.

I'm now living with a disorder due to people in my past playing with my emotions and mind. 

My self like many women and men have been there and it's so hard to escape. I'm one of the lucky ones who new enough was enough. Maybe I should of left early but the beatings from an ex parter wasn't like the ones I got as child. 

I was born in the late 80s raised in the 90s a little slap on the legs or a cross the face was nothing and 9/10 I needed and deserved them little hits here and there. These little slaps soon turned into big beatings like you'd beat a grown up when I reached 7. I was seen as a naughty child, I wasn't I was just a 7 year old dealing with the fact her mum didn't want her all the family she had ever new had left and she had been told she was going on holiday to never to return home again at the age of 4 going on 5. Id act up for attention and kick off this was the start of my BPD. I remember the first time I got hit it was to my bottom and was with a slipper then the slipper changed to a cane to a belt to a foot in the tummy of a primary school child who couldn't understand why she was being punished because she had hit a boy at school I was only coping what I new. When you do wrong you smacked. The years went by the beatings got worse to the point where once one of the worse times I was beaten so much on the hand with a belt that my hand tripled in size all for telling the truth and not being believed the only way the beating was going to stop was by lying and saying I had done something I hadn't. It all got to much and by the time I hit high school I ran away because I couldn't take any more of the abuse I couldn't understand how the person who was meant to love me in the whole world was doing this to me I was only ever being a kid. Yes I was gobby and loud but I'm the same now guess that's just me but as an 11 year old child I was taken back there was know place for me and I didn't want to get anyone in trouble.  I was awoken by yet another slap to the face I'll never forget the slaps over and over and over till I looked like 2 face from batman. That was the last beating I ever got as a child I guess something had twigged that it was wrong and I was never hit again. I soon left and put myself into care where I stayed till I was old enough to leave. My first adult relationship wasn't that great but this time it was mental abuse and physical. It was hard I had know one or any place to go, I'm not saying I didn't give as good as I got sometimes because I did. Exs have had me by the wall pulled my hair dragged me down stairs because I had lost a child. The most awful stuff. But in glad And proud of myself to know when that all this is wrong and getting up and leaving. So many children, women and men go through this it's wrong and shouldn't happen. The poor girl on murder by my boyfriend had rang the police several times and nothing was done till she was dead. In that time another 200+ women lost there life. It isn't just women who stuffer this abuse men do too and it's wrong what ever side it comes from.

What I'm trying to say is if I get go through all this and come out ok and so many others can you can too. Words may hurt and play with how think and feel. But please leave stand on your own and one day you will look back and realise the problem lay with them not you. I hope the show opens eyes and makes people stand up and pay attention.

Abuse is wrong mental, physical, sexual any sort of abuse is wrong.

xxx